Secure Attachment is created when there is a consistent pattern of a parent being available and responsive to a child’s needs. We call this attunement—paying attention to what your child needs and responding in a way that shows you understand and care. The child feels and knows that they can rely on their parent to take care of them and help them feel safe. This confidence in the parent to be available and responsive to the child leads the child to trust others and to feel that they are worthy of love.
Parents need to be available and responsive in two general types of circumstances:
1.) When a child experiences uncertainty in new or difficult situations or when they are exploring their world, they need their parent to provide encouragement and support.
2.) When a child signals a need for contact and comfort, referred to as emotional connection, they need their parent to respond with emotionally-attuned interactions that allow them to feel noticed, understood, and soothed.*
Let me give you an example of what these interactions might look like in children of different ages:
For babies
An exploration situation might look like a parent laying on the floor and playing peek-a-boo with an infant who is having tummy time (which may not be the baby’s favorite activity).
A connection experience might look like the parent picking up the child, patting their back, and talking soothingly after the baby starts to cry and continue to do so until the baby stops crying.
For toddlers
An exploration circumstance might look like the child taking a few tentative steps away from the parent on their own and then turning around and looking back at the parent who was watching their child with delight and clapping when they took each step.
A connection experience might be the parent pulling the child up into their lap and putting an arm around the child when the child gives a nervous glance to the parent when an unfamiliar (to the child) great aunt stops by for a visit and tries to talk to the child.
For school-age
An exploration situation could be the child participating in the elementary school choir performance. When the child gets up on stage with his class, he makes eye contact with the parent and the parent smiles and give a thumbs-up.
A connection moment could be the child coming home from school on the bus and telling the parent about how a classmate made fun of her for making a mistake on a math problem on the board. The parent says that must have hurt her feelings and been embarrassing in front of the whole class. The child gets tears in her eyes and nods. The parent comments that it is still hurtful now as she thinks back on it. The child nods again and hugs the parent. The parent hugs back and then the child smiles and goes out to play.
For adolescents
An exploration moment could be the teenager going to the Homecoming dance for the first time. You and your teen went shopping for a suit last weekend and he is getting dressed and calls you into his room to help him knot his tie. He then puts his shoes and socks on and grabs his date’s corsage.
A connection moment could be your teenager coming home from sports practice with a scowl and snapping at you when you ask about her day. You say that she seems upset. She then tells you that she lost her starting spot on the soccer team to a new girl who just moved to town. You validate her feeling of disappointment, especially since she had worked so hard during the pre-season to sharpen her soccer skills. You wonder out loud if it felt like her extra practice was a waste. She says it feels like a waste right now, but she knows her coach noticed her improvement because the coach commented on it. You look at her and smile and she says that she is not going to give up as she runs upstairs to take a shower.
Questions to ponder:
In what ways are you attentive (available and responsive) to your children?
What factors make it more challenging for you to be available and responsive to your children?
*Description of secure attachment comes from Chapter 2 written by Kobak, Zajac, and Madsen in Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (Third Edition) edited by Cassidy and Shaver (2018).
