Have you ever put together a jigsaw puzzle, only to get to the almost-end and discover that there are several pieces missing? It is frustrating to work hard at completing the picture, only to find out you don’t have all the pieces you need!
Parents can feel that way with parenting for a variety of reasons. All the pieces do not seem to fit together to get the behaviors or relationship we want with our children. There can be things that we are lacking inside of ourselves, whether it is a skill that is under-developed or an attitude that gets in the way of connection. Deficits in information or experience can leave us without a clear direction. Here are some examples of things that may be lacking that can create barriers in parenting our children in an effective manner.
Internal Lack of Knowledge/Experience/Opportunity:
- Not being self-aware or difficulty reflecting on my own experiences and reactions
- Not sure what is getting in the way but it feels like something inside myself
- Not enjoy or like my own kids sometimes
- Not open to other people’s feedback, ideas, or advice
- Not knowing how to or not being able to develop and maintain healthy relationships with others
External Lack of Knowledge/Experience/Opportunity:
- No good parenting models or what I am doing is not working
- Don’t know what to do–maybe due to a lack of parenting education or not understanding children’s developmental needs at different ages
- Little opportunity to see my kids (may not have custody, working during their waking hours, deployed with the military, etc.)
- Family-of-origin issues or patterns that are lingering or that I don’t know how to change
Children do not come with instruction manuals. Often parenting programs make it sound like their approach can solve every parenting challenge but they often don’t seem to work like advertised. Sticker charts and behavior plans are only going to go so far–they may shape behavior but will not capture your children’s heart. Children need to feel loved and connected and supported in order to truly grow and blossom but they also need parameters and expectations. The hard part of parenting is that both children and parents are imperfect! We all have shortcomings and flaws and make mistakes (i.e. sin). Fortunately, God is the Perfect Parent. The Lord is our Shepherd–He guides us and walks with us (paraphrase of Psalm 23:1-4) during even the toughest times. We can learn how to draw our strength from the Lord and trust him with our precious children (that He loves more than we ever can).
Parents have good intentions and want to raise their children to be healthy people but sometimes parents need some help and support. Sometimes education or new knowledge can help them be better parents. Sometimes doing some of their own inner work is what is needed to be fully present with their children. I would posit that Jesus is the most significant resource or partner that parents need.
This reminds me of a man named Apollos in the Bible (Acts 18:24-28). He was a Jewish man who grew up in Alexandria, Egypt and had moved to Ephesis. He was well-educated and knew the Jewish scriptures. He preached boldly in the synagogue about repentance that he had heard through John the Baptist’s ministry. But, he did not have the whole story. A Christian couple who ministered in the early church heard Apollos and invited him to their home to learn more fully the whole story of Jesus. Apollos took this learning opportunity, was encouraged by other believers, and was a great help to other believers. He was quite a debater and proved to other Jews that Jesus was the Messiah by explaining the full story of Jesus and using the Old Testament. God used Apollos’ gifts, along with Priscilla and Aquila’s leadership and wisdom, to strengthen the church throughout the Roman Empire. What an impact just a little more knowledge can make for future generations!
If you are looking for a roadmap for parenting–exploring both your internal processes and better understanding what your children need–consider attachment-focused parenting and Enneagram coaching! Learn more about parent coaching here or schedule a free discovery call to find out more.
Questions to Ponder:
What additional parenting education, direction, or information do you need?
What do you want your children and grandchildren to know, learn, feel about being parented by you? By God?
How have your life experiences possibly created some barriers or challenges in parenting for you?
What childhood messages did you internalize that are causing problems with your parenting?
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