In past blogs, I have briefly mentioned reasons that parents might struggle to meet their children’ s needs to play and engage with their world and their needs to get help regulating their emotions and finding connection. I thought it might be valuable to delve a little deeper into what might get in the way of parents being the parent they want to be or that their children need. We will spend four weeks exploring a variety of barriers to “good enough” or even optimal parenting.
Almost all parents desperately want what is best for their children and want to be the best parent they can be. No matter how much we want to be a great parent, there are obstacles that can get in our way. Some obstacles may be challenges in the environment or other people, which are external barriers. Some obstacles may be our own internal processes, such as our thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, feelings, and our ability to use our executive functioning skills (organization, planning, learning, memory, self-regulation). Barriers can be either internal (inside of us) or external (outside of us or our control). When you experience barriers in your parenting and are overwhelmed, know that God cares about what you are experiencing.
Today, I would like to talk about practical needs that may be a parents’ focus and leave less time than desired to be attentive to our kids. Think of practical needs as basic needs for survival, such as food, housing, source of income/job, transportation, etc. When we have children relying on us to provide for their basic necessities, it can put tremendous stress on us if we are uncertain about being able to obtain those necessities or if we are working most of our waking hours to do so.
You may have heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The gist of Maslow’s theory that he developed between 1943 and 1987 was that we generally focus on meeting basic needs for survival and safety before we can focus on other things like friendships and intimate relationships, esteem needs for prestige and accomplishments, or personal growth and discovery, the meaning of life, or transcendence. This is why we are beginning by considering practical, basic needs. Often, there is little time or energy left for personal growth if we are struggling to meet our needs and our children’s needs to find food and shelter and other basics. Spending time playing with our kids may not seem like the best use of time and energy if there is nothing to feed them for dinner or if there is nowhere safe to sleep.
Internal Basic Needs:
- Health
- Rest/Sleep
External Basic Needs:
- Sustenance (food, clean water)
- Source of income (employment)
- Safety (shelter, non-dangerous neighborhood)
- School or childcare
- Clothing
- Medical care
If parents are exhausted from working hard to obtain basic necessities, parents may feel guilty about not being able to spend more time with their children. Lack of sleep and fatigue can lead to poorer parenting because of impatience, stress, or delirium. If parents have health issues, this can also take precedence over focusing on children (either engaging with them to explore or to help them with their emotions). Meeting basic needs is crucial for our family’s well-being and is a priority. If this is where you are struggling, you are probably doing all you can to make ends meet.
What do we do if we struggle to provide basic needs and spend most of our time trying to work or acquire essentials?
The Bible instructs us to cry out to God with our feelings and our needs. This need is real and quoting scripture won’t make it go away. The verses that I am sharing are an invitation to bring your concerns, needs, emotions, and stressors to the Lord. He truly can change your situation. He will definitely be there with you, regardless of your circumstance, if you welcome Him in.
Psalm 34:17-19 [NIV] gives us the invitation to call out to God in our need:
“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
He delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all.”
Let me share a Bible story about one way that God met a mother and son’s desperate need for food. The story of Elijah and the Widow of Zarephath comes from 1 Kings 17:7-16. Let me summarize it for you. The prophet Elijah ran out of water when the brook dried up because there had been no rain in the land for some time. The Lord told him to go to Zarephath and get food and water from a widow there. Elijah obeyed and found the woman gathering sticks. He asked for water and bread and she explained that she hardly had any flour or oil to make bread for her or her son. She was collecting sticks to add to the bread to make it go further and then she and her son would die from starvation. Elijah promised her that the Lord would not let her flour or oil run out until He sent rain for the land. She followed Elijah’s instructions and believed the Lord. He provided enough bread every day for Elijah, her son, and herself. God met both the widow and Elijah in their desperation and miraculously provided for their needs. God cares about people’s basic needs.
When you feel overlooked, overwhelmed, or frustration as you struggle to meet the basic needs of your family, pray this lament that offers your struggle to the Lord who loves you:
“I cry out to the Lord; I plead for the Lord’s mercy.
I pour out my complaints before Him and tell Him all my troubles.
When I am overwhelmed, You alone know the way I should turn…
I look for someone to come and help me, but no one gives me a passing thought!
No one will help me; no one cares a bit what happens to me.
Then, I pray to you, O Lord. I say, ‘You are my place of refuge. You are all I really want in life. Hear my cry.’”
–Psalm 142:1- 6a [NLT]
Questions to Ponder:
How does your pursuit of meeting basic needs become a barrier to being the parent you want to be?
Which creates the biggest challenge for you in parenting your children and being attentive to them–internal or external basic needs?
What happens when you pray one of these prayers of lament (longing for things to be different and for God to rescue or help you) every day for a week?
If you found this blog to be helpful or interesting, please consider joining my weekly newsletter.
Citations:
Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0054346
Maslow, A. H. (1987). Motivation and personality (3rd ed.). Delhi, India: Pearson Education.
The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). (2011). Biblica, Inc. (Original work published in 1978.)
The Holy Bible, New Living Translation (NLT). (2015). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.