Last week, we began exploring barriers you may experience in your parenting–what gets in the way of being available and responsive to your children. We are looking at both internal and external barriers for each of four categories over the course of four weeks. (Last week we talked about basic needs.) Today, I am going to talk about being preoccupied with something in our own lives.
Merrium-Webster dictionary defines preoccupied as “having one’s attention so taken up by thoughts as to neglect others.” Neglect in this sense means not paying attention momentarily, even if it is a regular pattern, rather than implying an on-going neglect of caregiving that would constitute intervention by child protective services due to harm or serious lack of supervision.
Although most parents want to meet their children’s needs, there are many distractions that can catch parents’ attention and keep us from focusing on our children as much as they need. Preoccupations that happen within our own heads can keep us from being attentive and attuned to our children.
For example, if a parent is depressed and lacks energy, they may not be able to stop thinking about their sadness, trauma, or challenging circumstances. Another mental health example could be Autism. If a parent is on the Autism Spectrum, social interactions may be hard for them because of an internal focus on their own interests or reactions or overwhelming emotions. Drinking or using drugs can absorb a parents’ focus or may lead to them withdrawing from being around their children. Other parents may be so concerned with what other people think about them that they are paying attention to what others think and their children get overlooked or get pressured to act in a certain way that the parent thinks makes them look good.
There are also preoccupations that occur in the environment or with other people that keep parents from being attentive to their children. A big distraction can be a parents’ own romantic relationships. Parents do need to be loved, to have emotional intimacy and physical affection, and to feel important to another person (besides their children). When parents put most of their energy and focus on their close adult relationship(s), children may feel left out or ignored. Pursuing romantic interests and leaving home often to go out on dates or go out on the town can result in children feeling unimportant when their parent has no time to spend with them. Being preoccupied with adult relationships is not just for single parents. Problems within a marriage or partnership can preoccupy parents, especially if a parent is going through separation or divorce or significant conflict with their spouse. Problems in romantic relationships can use up all of parents’ emotional energy or result in a parent feeling sad, anxious, hurt, or betrayed. When a loved one dies, parents need to grieve just like everyone else. Sometimes the grieving process can overtake the parents’ ability to cope with intense emotions and/or experience stress from physical or financial ramifications of the loss (abrupt loss of income or housing, for example). While parents need to work in order to pay the bills and meet the family’s material needs, sometimes parents can become workaholics and put their job ahead of being attentive to their children. Many parents spend a lot of time on their devices without realizing how much time they are looking at a screen rather than at cute little faces across the room. Smartphones can suck us in without noticing how much time we are swiping, reading, texting, and watching.
I have a real-life example (confession, actually) to share with you. As I am writing this blog, our favorite NFL team is playing Thursday night football. I moved my computer from my office to the kitchen table, so I could watch the game. My teenage son was all dressed in team colors and sitting on the couch in the family room. My son commented out loud that it was more fun to watch the game together. (Did I mention that I moved my computer to the kitchen so I had the game in my sightline? It was my attempt to work and watch the game with my son.) I kept writing with the intention to finish my thought and then go join him. A while later, he commented that he was lonely. My teenage son is asking me to spend time with him watching our team–I should have jumped up and gone into the family room to join him right away! My work absorbed my attention, even though my intention was to hang out with him.
Work or chores that we need to get done can so easily pull us away from engaging or noticing our children. We may need to acknowledge that we would like to play with them but have to finish a task first. We may not be able to play at all but still need to let them know we love them and want to spend time with them. We may choose to pause our activity or thought process to more fully engage with them. Ignoring them feels bad to our kids…and probably to us, too?! I messed up with my son and the football game, but fortunately, he is persistent and gave me a second opportunity. I am sure all of you have put off your children to take care of something you wanted or needed to do, too, right?! We all make mistakes or get self-absorbed at times or get task focused. We do not have to be attentive to our children every minute of the day because we do have things we have to get done. It is also good for them to learn to entertain themselves. But are there times when it is not absolutely necessary to focus on our tasks or phones when a child is needing companionship or help? Can we accomplish that task when they are at sports or music practice or after they go to bed?
Here are some reasons that parents might struggle, or even neglect, to meet their children’ s needs. This list is to get you thinking about things that might preoccupy you when your children are waiting to play with you, get help with a difficult homework assignment, or have you validate their feelings.
Internal Preoccupations:
- Mental health issues (depression, intense anxiety, Autism)
- Trauma or trauma reactions
- Concern about what other people think about you
- Substance use/abuse
External Preoccupations:
- Romantic relationships
- Wanting to be friends with your children or really wanting your children to like you
- Focus on work or making money (beyond meeting basic needs)
- Overly worried about your children (health, safety, special needs, performance)
- Electronic interaction, connections, or information (phone use, social media, information gathering, researching, watching video, etc.)
What do we do if we find ourselves preoccupied more often than not?
The Bible instructs us to focus our gaze on Jesus so we can keep going and stay focused (to meet our children’s needs) and be encouraged that we have all we need because Jesus has perfected our faith and won the victory on the cross. We can overcome what hinders and preoccupies us, whether it is our thoughts or misperceptions or whether it is gut-wrenching circumstances that steal our attention and our joy.
“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
- Hebrews 12:1b-3 (NIV)
When we focus ourselves on Jesus and lock eyes with Him, He looks at us with compassion and kindness. He welcomes us to Himself. This is where we can experience true peace. That does not mean that our circumstances will miraculously be resolved but it does mean that when we know we are truly loved and accepted by Jesus that we get through difficult times and put less emphasis on others’ perceptions, expectations, evaluations, or demands on us. Jesus’ gaze can free us to hold on to what is important.
Let me share a Bible story about one way that Jesus met a woman and cared for her heart and provided for the real need underlying her serial relationships with men. The story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well comes from John 4:3-30. Let me summarize it for you. Jesus and his disciples were putting some distance between the law makers and religious elite who had started to notice people’s attraction to Jesus. They were walking from Judea to Galilee, which was where they lived. They had to go through Samaria to get home and it was noon. It was hot and they were tired from their journey. The disciples went into town to get some food. Jesus sat down by the well to rest (yes, you can see his humanity in his fatigue). The well was the place where all the people came to draw water to drink and cook. Often it was the women who fetched water from the well with a bucket or cup but they would have gotten water early in the morning or late in the evening because it was cooler.
A Samaritan woman came to draw water. Something must have happened to her if she was there at the hottest part of the day by herself. She likely was an outcast. Jesus asked her for a drink. She was surprised that he talked to her because she was a Samaritan and a woman. Samaritans were part Jewish and part Assyrian. Jewish people tended to look down on them and avoided them. It would probably be fair to say that there was animosity between those two people groups. In addition, in the Middle East during that time, men and women did not socialize in public. Men typically would not even talk to their wives if they were out in public, let alone a single woman who was from another culture. Jesus is reaching across rules, tradition, and culture to converse with this woman. She did not shy away from talking to Him.
Jesus makes a reference to being able to offer living water and she asks him more about it because she is curious about what He is saying. When the woman indicates that she is interested in this living water that “will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life,” Jesus tells her to go get her husband. She tells him honestly that she is not married. Jesus then confirms what she said and adds that she has had five husbands and the man she is now living with is not her husband. Jesus is kindly pointing out a significant pain for her, as she likely was rejected or divorced by her husbands and may have had to agree to be married to yet another man in order to survive in a culture where women had no rights and no source of income or resources if they were not married or provided for by a male family member. At that time, men could divorce women for any reason and women had no recourse. This woman probably experienced much shame about having so many marriages. She may have longed for someone to love her and care for her and to treat her well. She acknowledges her relationship history and suggests that He must be a prophet.
She then brings up where they should worship. Jesus talks about worshiping “the Father in the Spirit and in truth” and that salvation will come from the Jews. She acknowledged that the Messiah is coming and will explain everything. Jesus declares that He is the Messiah. The woman left her water jar and ran to tell the people that she just met a man who “told me everything I ever did” and wondered if He could be the long-awaited Messiah. The people from the town went to find Jesus. The woman was restored to her community and many in her town became believers because of her testimony and/or pointing them to Jesus.
The woman at the well had several different needs met through this interaction. First, she was saved by believing in Jesus. Second, she received love and acceptance from Jesus that enabled her to reach out to others who had shunned her. Third, she was no longer ostracized and was re-integrated into the community. Jesus’ love, honesty, and respect for her provided the security she needed to not live in shame.
Questions to Ponder:
What things distract you or keep you preoccupied so you are not really noticing or paying much attention to your children when they are wanting or needing support to explore or to help with their emotions?
Which creates the biggest challenge for you in parenting your children and being attentive to them–internal or external preoccupations?
If you truly believed that Jesus loves, forgives, and fully accepts you, how would that change your ability to focus on your children or other people?
If you found this blog to be helpful or interesting, please consider joining my weekly newsletter.
Citations:
“preoccupied.” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (24 October 2024).
The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). (2011). Biblica, Inc. (Original work published in 1978.)
