Building the Parenting House – Curious Reflection

Have you ever noticed how quickly we move from one parenting moment to the next?

A difficult morning getting everyone out the door is immediately followed by work. Work gives way to after-school activities. Dinner becomes homework. Homework becomes bedtime. Then we wake up and do it all again.

Parenting is full of experiences, but it is often short on reflection. Our lives are busy and we are short on time. This shortness of time, this lack of margin, can actually have negative impacts on our parenting.

Many of us assume that experience alone makes us better parents. If that were true, every parent would naturally become wiser each passing year. But experience by itself doesn’t always produce growth. Sometimes it simply produces repetition.

What if one of the most important ingredients in becoming a wiser, more connected parent isn’t another parenting book or strategy?

What if it’s learning to slow down long enough to wonder?

Reflection is more than replaying the day in your mind.

It is slowing down and becoming curious about what is happening beneath the surface–both for you and for your child.

Curious reflection asks questions like:

• Why did I react so strongly?
• What might my child have been feeling?
• What need was underneath that behavior?
• How did my words land on my child?
• What is God teaching me through this moment?
• What might I do differently next time?

Psychologists call this reflective functioning. Neuroscientists talk about mindsight and integration. Christians have practiced it for centuries through prayer, silence, contemplation, and discernment.

Whatever we call it, reflection is the practice of making meaning from our experiences.

Building the Parenting House

I like to think of parenting as building a home.

Experiences are the bricks.

Every day gives us another one:

Every interaction becomes another brick.

Bricks matter.

But bricks alone don’t build a home.

Reflection is the mortar.

Mortar is not flashy. It is messy and it tends to blend into the background.

Most people notice the bricks first.

Yet without mortar, the bricks remain individual pieces. They don’t become a strong foundation or a firm wall.

Reflection works the same way.

It is the quiet work that binds individual moments into wisdom.

As we reflect, we begin connecting one experience to another. We notice patterns. We recognize our child’s needs. We become aware of our own fears, assumptions, triggers, and habits. We begin asking better questions instead of simply reacting.

Without reflection, we simply accumulate parenting experiences.

With reflection, those experiences gradually become wisdom as we learn from our past interactions, aspire to respond differently, and better understand what our children need.

Every day of parenting gives us another brick.

But it is in the quiet moments that God helps us apply the mortar so we become more secure.

Two ingredients that make reflection possible

Reflection doesn’t happen automatically. It grows best with two conditions.

1. Curiosity

Reflection begins with wonder rather than judgment. It allows us to think back on a situation and notice what happened in ourselves, in our child, and in the actions and reactions we both showed on the outside. We are open to explore our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors because we want to understand ourselves better. Wonder is wanting to know more fully what might be going on in our child’s head and heart.

Curiosity asks:

“I wonder what’s really happening here.” instead of “I already know what’s wrong.”

“What could be going on inside her?” instead of “She is trying to control me again.”

“That didn’t feel right but I can’t quite place why it bothered me.” instead of “I should not feel that way.”

Curiosity keeps us open to learning about ourselves, our children, and God’s work in our lives.

2. Margin

Reflection also requires space. These are some practices that create enough margin for reflection to happen. They are not the end goal but simply the container to mix the mortar. It gives you space to think.

Developing a regular practice

Curious reflection needs space and time to happen. Choose one of the contemplative practices listed under “Margin” above and try it for at least 5 minutes everyday this week. Ask yourself the curious reflection questions listed above that fit with the situation you are processing. It can be helpful to jot down your thoughts after you consider what was going on underneath the surface for you and for your child.

Looking ahead

Next week we’ll look at what actually happens when we practice curious reflection.

Far from “doing nothing,” reflection is one of the most important things we can do for our brains, our relationships, and our spiritual growth.

Reflection doesn’t just help us remember what happened. It helps our brains understand what happened.

Closing

Every parent accumulates bricks, but the wise parent takes time to apply the mortar so the house can withstand the elements. So that it is safe and secure.

Experiences are what happen to us, while reflection is what allows those experiences to change us for the better. Reflection makes us sturdier parents and helps us to trust the Lord more deeply and follow Him more steadfastly.

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