What cultural messages are shaping your parenting without you realizing it?
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FORMATION STAGE 1: IDENTITY
Who am I? Am I loved? Do I belong?
The way you see yourself deeply impacts how you engage with others and the world. Knowing who you are—and believing that you are loved and accepted—shapes how safe you feel in relationships and how freely you explore, take risks, and pursue what matters.
This is the heart of identity formation.
Identity formation is the gradual shaping of what a child comes to believe about themselves: Who am I? What makes me valuable? Where do I belong? Those beliefs don’t form in a single moment. They are built over time through relationships, experiences, and the messages a child absorbs—both spoken and unspoken.
What children believe about themselves influences how they think, how they feel, how safe they feel with others, and whether the world feels like a place to explore—or a place to prove themselves. In that way, identity formation and attachment are inseparable.
Spiritual formation speaks directly into this process. Scripture consistently reminds us that identity is not something we earn—it is something we receive. We are named, known, and loved by God before we perform, succeed, or measure up. When children lack that grounding, they naturally look elsewhere for answers about who they are.
Culture is always ready to offer its own identity scripts.
Consider the movie Elf. Buddy grows up at the North Pole, raised by elves, and taught to make toys. As he grows and struggles to keep up, he begins to feel out of place and defective. He leaves the toy factory each day feeling defeated—not because he lacks value, but because he’s measuring himself by the wrong standard.
Even though Buddy has relationships with humans (Santa and Mrs. Claus), it never occurs to him that he might not be an elf. The story he’s been formed by tells him: This is who you are—and this is how you should perform. It never occurs to him that the story shaping him might be incomplete.
That’s how identity formation works. We rarely question the story we’re living inside until something breaks down.
And for many children today, the cultural story is clear.
You Are What You Achieve
Cultural Message #1
Culture says:
Your worth comes from performance, success, productivity, and recognition.
We see it early. Children are enrolled in competitive activities before their development supports it. Older kids absorb the message that likes, followers, grades, awards, and achievements define their value. The cultural heroes often celebrated most loudly are those who win, dominate, or rise to the top—sometimes at the expense of relationships or character.
The message is subtle but persistent:
Be impressive. Be productive. Be exceptional. Then you matter.
Children need:
To know they are loved before they produce.
Children thrive when identity is rooted in belonging, not achievement. When they feel secure and connected, they can think clearly, take healthy risks, and develop resilience. Creativity, curiosity, and courage grow from safety—not pressure.
Unconditional love does not remove expectations. It simply makes identity secure before effort or correction begins.
Formation lens:
Culture forms children toward performance-based worth.
God forms children from secure identity.
Before children understand theology, they experience safety and love through their caregivers. The way they are welcomed, soothed, guided, and valued becomes the foundation for how they later understand God’s love.
Parenting practice:
- Separate who your child is from what your child does in everyday language.
- Name character, effort, kindness, and presence—not just outcomes.
- Affirm belonging before offering correction.
Scripture that shows the importance of love BEFORE achievement:
“This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” — Matthew 3:17
God publicly affirms Jesus as His beloved Son before Jesus performs a miracle, gathers followers, or challenges the accepted religious order. Identity comes first. Work follows.
Jesus spent years being nurtured by his earthly parents and his heavenly Father in the safety of their family home and their local community before his official ministry began.
(And yes—Jesus may have been easier to parent than the rest of us. But even perfection received affirmation before performance.)
Reflection Questions:
- What messages about success did I absorb growing up—and how might they be shaping my parenting?
- When I correct my child, do they clearly know they are loved first? How do I communicate that love to them?
- When my child fails, what story about identity do I reinforce?
