Detrimental Devices of the Devil: Is DISCOUNTING–Due to Denying and Distancing–Derailing Your Parenting?

Discounting: Downplaying the Impact or Importance

The enemy seeks to undermine our relationships with God and our families by tempting us to minimize problems or create emotional and mental distance. This often happens subtly and unintentionally, yet it distorts our ability to engage fully and acknowledge reality.

When we discount an issue, we either deny what is happening or distance ourselves from it. This avoidance can be mental (convincing ourselves it’s not a big deal), emotional (numbing or ignoring feelings), or physical (pulling away from someone). Either way, it signals to others that the issue is not important enough to address, which can impact our children in ways we may not realize.

Let’s examine how these patterns show up in parenting and what we can do to address them.

A Biblical Example of Denial

One of the most well-known examples of denial in Scripture is the apostle Peter. Confident in his devotion to Jesus, Peter declared he would never abandon Him. Yet, when Jesus was arrested, Peter denied knowing Him three times before the rooster crowed, just as Jesus had predicted. Overcome with shame, Peter wept bitterly, realizing he had betrayed his Lord.

But Peter’s story did not end there. After Jesus’ resurrection, He restored Peter, giving him the opportunity to affirm his love three times. Peter’s denial, though painful, was not the final chapter. Jesus met him with grace and called him to move forward.

Like Peter, when we avoid reality—whether by denying problems or distancing ourselves from difficult emotions—we can create unnecessary pain. But Jesus shows us that truth and grace bring healing and restoration.

How Denial and Distancing Show Up in Parenting

Discounting can show up in our parenting in subtle but significant ways. Here are some common examples:

• Denying Problems Within the Family – Ignoring struggles in our household can lead to deeper challenges and disconnection among family members.
• Avoiding Responsibility for Our Actions – Defensiveness or blaming others instead of owning our mistakes teaches our children to do the same.
• Minimizing Children’s Emotions – Trying to talk our kids out of their feelings instead of validating them can make them feel unheard.
• Avoiding Conflict in the Extended Family – Turning a blind eye to family tension or brushing off concerns can create unresolved bitterness.
• Setting Rigid Boundaries to Avoid Discomfort – While healthy boundaries are essential, using them to avoid addressing issues is a form of distancing.
• Withholding Affection or Emotional Connection – Giving children the cold shoulder instead of discussing an issue directly can lead to confusion and hurt.
• Avoiding Difficult Decisions – Delaying necessary but hard choices (like saying no to something unhealthy) can cause children to feel ignored or lead to persistent pressure from children to say ‘yes.’
• Fearing Being ‘The Bad Guy’ – Failing to follow through with discipline can make children feel insecure about expectations and limits.
• Backing Down from Leadership/Parental Authority – Hoping someone else (a teacher, coach, or another parent) will take charge of an issue rather than engaging directly.

Avoiding conflict may seem like a way to keep the peace, but it often leads to deeper issues, unresolved wounds, and missed opportunities for connection. The goal is to bring struggles into the light, where they can be addressed with wisdom and grace.

Practical Steps to Overcome Denial and Distancing

1. Recognize Your Patterns – Reflect on situations where you tend to deny or distance yourself. What emotions or fears come up for you?
2. Develop Healthy Conflict Skills – Learn how to engage in difficult conversations with love, truth, and respect.
3. Understand Your Enneagram Type – Your personality influences how you handle conflict and emotions. Awareness can help you grow.
4. Don’t Justify Bad Behavior – Blaming your behavior on your personality or because of your level of introversion is not a good reason to avoid the problem. Your personality tendencies or preferences do not justify avoiding issues that need to be discussed.
5. Assess Your Parenting Concerns Honestly – Write down specific challenges you’re facing and seek wisdom from trusted sources.
6. Talk to a Trusted Friend or Mentor – Sometimes, an outside perspective helps clarify the best course of action when you are in a tense or conflictual situation. (Not gossiping but getting a friend’s honest opinion of whether to or how to address conflict.)
7. Seek Professional Guidance – If your child has mental health, behavioral, or physical health concerns, don’t hesitate to consult a therapist or medical professional.
8. Address Relational Distance – If you’ve pulled away from someone, ask yourself whether you need to establish a healthy boundary or work through underlying tension (rather than set a boundary to just avoid the conflict).
9. Practice Small Steps of Engagement – Instead of avoiding an issue entirely, take one small step toward addressing it with honesty and grace.

Steps to Address Conflict in a Healthy and Relationship-Affirming Way

1. Stay Calm and Regulated – Your response sets the tone. Take deep breaths and pause before reacting.
2. Listen with Curiosity – Seek to understand rather than immediately correct. Let your child share their perspective fully.
3. Validate Feelings Without Enabling Poor Behavior – Acknowledge your child’s emotions while maintaining appropriate expectations.
4. Use “I” Statements – Instead of blaming, express how their behavior affects you. (E.g., “I feel disappointed when you don’t follow through on responsibilities.”)
5. Be Clear and Direct – Avoid vague or passive-aggressive communication. State expectations and consequences with kindness and firmness.
6. Seek Resolution, Not Just Punishment – Focus on guiding your child toward a better choice rather than just issuing consequences.
7. Model Forgiveness and Reconciliation – Show that making amends and restoring relationships is a normal part of life and apologize if you messed up.
8. Teach Problem-Solving Skills – Help your child brainstorm solutions rather than simply pointing out what they did wrong.
9. Follow Up – Reconnect later to affirm your love and ensure the issue has been truly resolved.
10. Pray Together – Bringing conflict before God fosters unity, humility, and grace within the family.

Encouragement for When You Deny or Distance

“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32, NIV*)

• Pause and reflect: Why are you distancing yourself or overlooking a problem? Is it fear? Shame? A past wound being triggered?
• Moving away from sin—yours or someone else’s—is good, but what are you moving toward? If it’s avoidance, shame, or resentment, you may need to recalibrate.
• Consider how God corrects us—with truth, love, and an invitation to draw closer. Can you offer the same grace-filled approach to your child?
• The enemy wants you to believe that addressing conflict will bring disconnection, but in reality, truth spoken with love fosters deeper relationships.

You are not alone in this. If you’re feeling stuck, I’d love to help.

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