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Integrating Attachment and Enneagram: Parenting Struggles When Facilitating Children’s Exploration

Dr. Jera Nelson Cunningham

on

October 14, 2024

Blog #15

We looked at the ways parents can easily support their children to go out into the world and engage with their environment. Now it’s time to look at the challenging side of fostering children to go out into the world to develop competence and independence. Some parents will find it easy to support exploration and play, while other parents may have a tougher time with it. There are two different major aspects of fostering exploration with which parents may struggle. The first is parents’ discomfort in separating from their children and the other is parents wanting to disengage (often to do their own thing) while children are going out to learn, play, and investigate their world. Some parents think that when children are interested in exploring or playing that that is the time for the parents to do their own thing, but that is not actually what the child needs much of the time, especially with younger children.

Part of exploration is cognitive functioning–learning, memory, organizing, planning, and accessing skills or learned behaviors. Part of exploration is physical in nature, as children literally explore their world through their senses and by moving out or away from the parent, which is not a rejection of the parent!

There are a variety of reasons that parents struggle with fostering independence and competence:

  • fear that their children will be hurt or unsafe while exploring 
  • not wanting to be separated from their children (wanting to be with their children all the time)
  • not trusting others to watch over their children (if it is an appropriate time for parents to drop-off their children at another location)
  • not wanting their children to fail or make a mistake or get their feelings hurt (wanting children to avoid the feeling of disappointment or rejection)
  • not trusting their children to behave appropriately if they are not closely supervised
  • so focused on their own activities, work, or chores that they do not keep an eye on their children or take the time to delight or play with their children
  • believe that children learn best by discovering on their own
  • not realizing that children need parents to actively foster exploration
  • worn-out or traumatized parents who need a break

These struggles may come from their own childhood experiences that focused on independence or doing things on their own, trauma reactions, Enneagram (personality) type, level of risk aversion, and energy levels. 

We are going to explore how our Enneagram types might impact our parenting and the way we handle our children’s needs to be supported when exploring or playing.

To review, in order to develop a secure attachment with our children, parents need to be attuned to their kids. Attunement means paying attention to what your child needs and responding in a way that shows you understand and care. Parents need to be available and responsive when fostering children’s exploration. Exploring children’s worlds can be any one of these or a combination of physical activity, cognitive stimulation, social interaction, exploring curiosities, and skill building. It is often child-directed because it is things that children find interesting. Engaging with the world can look many different ways, such as:

  • 🧩 crawling across the room to play with a toy
  • 🍪 baking cookies together (or the child by themselves if they are old enough to do it independently)
  • ⚽️ playing in the cul-de-sac with neighbor kids, 
  • 📖 learning how to read
  • 🏀 playing sports
  • 🚶🏽‍♀️‍➡️going for a walk
  • 💬 having a conversation about something about which your child is curious
  • 🎹 learning a new skill
  • 🚲 riding bikes together as a family
  • 🧑🏽‍🎨 working a craft project or piece of art
  • 🛝 playing on the playground, etc.

Note that every type can have struggles with fostering children conquering their world.

TypeStruggles in Fostering Children’s Exploration
1They may have a tendency to correct their children all the time because they want things 
done the right way.

It may be hard to let children express themselves or do art projects or learn new things and be sloppy or imperfect or child-like because they like to be precise and accurate and tidy.
2They may struggle to allow kids to explore and may hold them close because they may 
feel rejected by kids going off on their own.

In order to feel like they belong or have a role, they may over-help (do too much) for their children that their children can do on their own.
3They may push their children to participate in activities that the parent thinks would 
reflect best on them (both the child and the parent) and the child may not feel seen for who they are or for their interests.

They are focused on efficiency and may struggle to give their child space to develop their own approach or skills if it is not the quickest or best way to approach something (and thus deprive the child of learning that for themselves).
4They may withdraw and be in their inner world and not engage or notice their kids if they 
are preoccupied with their own stuff.

They may have difficulty supporting or delighting with their children in mundane tasks or play or activities.
5They may hesitate to play with their children for fear that doing so will deplete their 
resources, so their children may not get as much engagement or enjoyment with the parent that they need.

They tend to isolate from others, so they may not be physically or relationally present to engage in play, fun, or the environment, especially if they have a long stretch of time with their children or are worn out at the end of the day and need to recharge.
6Anxiety or fear of children getting hurt may lead to difficulty letting their children go out to 
explore or play.

They may teach their children that the world is dangerous and either inhibit children’s exploration or spontaneity.
7They may be easily bored and not focused on the child if the child enjoys repetitive play 
(which is an important developmental skill at certain stages).

They may struggle to stay in the moment if they are thinking about other fun 
opportunities in the future.
8They can over-exert themselves and may not allow their children to assert their own 
independence (if the parent does not agree or like what the child is doing/interested in).

In their attempt to stay in charge and be direct, they may come across as controlling or mean and not know how it lands on other people, so they may unintentionally send the message that their children’s ideas are bad/not worthwhile or hurt the child’s feelings when the child is exploring new activities or ideas.
9They can be past oriented and spend time reflecting on things that already happened 
and struggle to be present in the moment.

They may struggle to provide ideas for activities or to take initiative when kids need some support for exploring and this may put too much independence or pressure on their kids to make decisions for themselves.

An important part of parenting is reflecting on what you are doing and the reasons that you do it. It does not mean that you have to keep doing the things that you are currently doing. You can choose to approach exploration in new ways with your children. Your children need you to facilitate their exploration because it is how they develop competence and independence and those are important skills that will differ by their developmental stage. Facilitating exploration for a toddler looks very different than facilitating exploration with your pre-teen or young adult child. Engaging with your children in fun activities helps build your relationship as much as supporting them in managing their emotions and behaviors. Reflect on how your personality may hamper you fostering exploration and being attentive to your child as they explore their world.

Questions to ponder:

What struggles or challenges do you bring to fostering your child’s exploration? Is your experience different than the possible struggles listed by your type? If so, I would love to hear your thoughts! Email me by filling out my contact form.

How does your Enneagram type seem to complicate your ability to supervise and send your children out into their world?

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Dr. Jera Nelson Cunningham

Dr. Jera Nelson Cunningham has 20 years of experience as a clinical psychologist working with families. She specializes in trauma and attachment and provides therapy, parenting intervention, psychological testing, and attachment evaluations in her clinical practice.