I have been talking a lot about emotions and the importance of parents helping their children co-regulate their emotions, but it is time to talk about a different aspect of attachment that many parents find easier. Another critical piece of helping children develop secure attachment is encouraging exploration of their world. Just like they need their parents to be attuned to their emotions, children also need their parents to be attuned to their need to engage with the environment and go out into the world. Going out into the world will look very different depending on the child’s age and skill level. This is how children build competency and independence. For many parents, encouraging independence is comfortable, but for others, this can create fear or unease. (More on parents’ reactions to supporting play and exploration over the next few weeks.)
Regardless of how we, as parents, feel about encouraging our children to explore, it is an important aspect of raising children who can learn, problem-solve, cooperate, and persevere. Play and exploration facilitates children’s cognitive (brain) development and critical thinking skills.
“Play is fundamentally important for learning 21st century skills, such as problem solving, collaboration, and creativity.”
–American Academy of Pediatrics
All parents want their children to be successful and be good at what they do. What some parents may not know is how to support their children to explore and develop competence. Before you get upset with me for making that statement, would you be willing to let me explain what kids need in order to be supported to explore and try new things? Please humor me…
Remember, the key to secure attachment is attuned parenting. Therefore, attuned parents are available and responsive when their children are exploring. According to the Circle of Security International™* model of attachment, children have four needs when they are exploring. In order to foster exploration and curiosity, parents need to watch over, help, enjoy with, and delight in their children while they are exploring. While I don’t imagine that most of you would disagree with those four needs, the challenge is that children need parents to stay engaged while they are playing or exploring–not doing their own thing all the time. I am not saying this to point fingers at anyone but to clarify that supporting exploration is more than encouraging them to go outside to play while you try to make dinner or get a report written for work. Many of us may not want to hear that, including me. (Believe me, I do love getting tasks accomplished! I am a type 3 on the Enneagram and being productive is kinda our thing.)
No matter our children’s ages (even adult children) or what they are doing, they need us to delight in them for who they are. They need to know that we love them and are there for them, no matter what! Even if they miss that goal in the soccer game or get into a fender bender a few days after they get their driver’s license…even if they fail a test or spit out the newly-introduced sweet potato baby food…even if they wet the bed or drop their dinner plate on the tile floor. It is easier to delight when children do something amazing or accomplish something exciting, but it is necessary to do regularly no matter the circumstances.
Supporting exploration is kind of like supervision, in that you need to keep an eye on them and what they are doing. (This is one way that you show you are available.) This gives you opportunities to cheer them on, give them a high-five, step in to help when needed, make sure the environment is safe for them, and also to directly engage in play with them. (Those are ways that you are responsive.) You can support their exploration from across the room or across the gymnasium and those are more oversight oriented. There are times that your children want and need you to play with them. For some parents, getting down on the floor and getting into character for imaginary play is fun. Other parents may not be comfortable with that. You can engage with your children in play in a variety of ways, all of them are beneficial for your child’s development and for building your connection with them.
Playing with them for 10-15 minutes is way better than backing out or telling your child “no” when they ask you to play. You do not need to insert yourself into your child’s play if they are playing fine by themselves or with friends. It is important to let your child lead the play (unless there is a safety issue that comes up). Deciding what to play or what the rules are for the game are chances for your child to practice leading and making decisions. Children need to have a sense of control sometimes and this is a great time for them to feel like they are in charge. Notice I said “feel like they are in charge,” which implies that you are still in charge but are intentionally giving them that role for the moment. You can step back into that role if/when needed.
Are you willing to take on a challenge? (I am speaking to myself here, too.) Would you regularly look at your child while they are playing and be responsive to what they are doing? Would you put down your cell phone or laptop at your child’s sports practice or at the playground? Smile if they make eye contact. Encourage them if they do something well or put in a lot of effort. You can comment about what they are doing to show that you are paying attention even if you are not directly involved in their play or task. If they ask you to play with them, agree (for at least 10 minutes). Have fun with your kids! Take them on an outing that you both enjoy or do a craft project together. Ask them to play their favorite game (that you detest) with you.
There may be times that kids want to explore or try something new but they are hesitant. This is a time that they will need reassurance that it is okay for them to try and that you will be close by (if you are able to be) and that it is okay to struggle or not do well at first (or ever). It is okay to encourage them to do something but if they become afraid, then you will want to shift into emotion co-regulation mode rather than exploration mode. Sometimes they will explore with confidence and excitement but other times they may be unsure. Encouragement from you can go a long way to get your child to try something new or hard. You may need to teach your child the next step for them to continue.
Questions to Ponder:
How do you respond to your child when they ask you to play with them? What is it like for you to play with your children? What activities or toys or games do you prefer to play with them?
What is your reaction when your child goes to play or explore or learn something new?
Check out my newest attachment-focused guide to support your child’s exploration and play.
*Circle of Security International™ has developed a model of attachment called The Circle of Security® and they train clinicians, service providers, and teachers to use this model with families and in schools. If you are interested in this approach, you can visit their website: What is the Circle of Security?
Dr. Cunningham is a Certified Circle of Security® Parenting Facilitator.
If you are interested in attachment-focused parent and Enneagram coaching, check out my services.
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