What happens when we look at the struggles of parenting through the lens of the Enneagram—specifically, how the Enemy’s devices can derail us?
If you’ve followed along in this series, you’ll remember we’re exploring how the five detrimental devices of the Enemy—doubt, distraction, discontent, discouragement, and discounting—can distort your God-given design as a parent. Today, we’re focusing on Enneagram Type 3: The Achiever.
Type 3s are accomplished, optimistic, and adaptable. They are great supporters of their children’s goals and achievements and can help them be sensitive to how they may be perceived by others. When their strengths are over-emphasized during parenting, there are some particular and subtle ways that they may become vulnerable to these attacks in the context of family.
Driven by a deep desire to succeed and to be perceived as competent, Type 3 parents often bring energy, vision, and high standards into their homes. But when success becomes an idol and image outweighs intimacy, their God-given gifts can get tangled in striving or earning. The Enemy’s tactics take advantage of this—planting seeds of doubt when children don’t meet expectations, distracting them with busyness and productivity, stirring up discontent through comparison, wearing them down with discouragement when their efforts feel unseen, and convincing them to discount things that don’t look “successful” from the outside—like rest, vulnerability, and emotional connection. These devices don’t just wear on the parent; they affect how children experience love and belonging. But there is hope. Naming these tactics gives us power to fight back—with truth, grace, and trust in a God who values being over doing.
1. Doubt: Questioning God, His Word, His goodness, or your ability as a parent.
Type 3s thrive on results, so when parenting doesn’t yield visible success or quick affirmation, doubt can creep in—about God’s nearness, about your child’s path, or even your own capacity as a parent. You may question whether you’re doing enough, or whether your child will thrive if they don’t follow a path you can understand or support.
Combatting Doubt:
- Meditate on Scriptures that affirm God’s long-term work (Philippians 1:6; Isaiah 55:8–9). Ask for humility to rely on God rather than your own ideas, plans, or goals.
- Practice seeing your child through God’s lens instead of your own expectations. Look for their gifts and strengths, especially ones that differ from yours.
- Affirm your identity as God’s beloved—not based on performance, but grace. Then, affirm your child for who they are and let them know you love them because they are your child and because God created them in a beautiful and unique way.
- Confess your doubts to a trusted friend or spiritual mentor and ask for prayer.
2. Distraction: Losing sight of what matters most.
The pursuit of excellence can make Type 3s so future-focused that they miss the sacredness of now. You might get caught up in achieving goals for your child, or maintaining an image of a “together” family, and lose touch with your child’s present emotional needs. Fear of failure may keep you focused on correcting your child to get them to achieve more or behave better rather than engaging them in conversation to understand them or to help them regulate their feelings.
Combatting Distraction:
- Schedule regular “device-free” one-on-one time with your child, even just 15 minutes.
- Set daily reminders to ask: What matters most today in my relationship with my child?
- Invite God into your to-do list—ask what can be laid down. By saying no to a task, you can say yes to time with your children.
3. Discontent: Feeling dissatisfied with your parenting, your home, or your situation.
Comparison is a sneaky trap for Type 3s. If your child isn’t achieving like others, or if your life doesn’t look as polished as someone else’s, discontent can breed resentment or jealousy. You may feel restless, like you’re never doing enough or your family isn’t measuring up. You may be tempted to make negative comments about others that make you feel better about yourself.
Combatting Discontent:
- Practice gratitude daily—write down three things about your child or family that bring you joy.
- Name and confess the lies behind your comparisons (e.g., “Their child’s success doesn’t mean mine is failing”).
- Limit social media intake that fuels discontent or competitiveness.
- Celebrate progress over perfection—yours and your child’s. Praise your child’s effort more than their outcome.
4. Discouragement: Feeling worn down by parenting struggles.
Because Type 3s often push themselves to keep going and keep producing, discouragement can hit hard when efforts don’t yield results. You might feel invisible, exhausted, or like you’re falling short—especially when you don’t know how to “fix” a parenting challenge. Fear of failure is real and can lead to feeling down or like giving up.
Combatting Discouragement:
- Build in intentional rest—Sabbath rhythms that remind you that you are not your productivity. Think of it as God’s gift to you so you can enjoy Him and so your body can be rejuvenated for the upcoming week.
- Let yourself feel—journal or talk about the emotions under the surface. Find a feeling chart if you struggle to name your emotions.
- Ask for help or support instead of toughing it out alone.
- Remember: God delights in your presence, not your perfection or your performance.
5. Discounting: Minimizing or dismissing what truly holds value.
In the hustle for achievement, Type 3s may unintentionally discount play, rest, emotions, and even connection. You might believe that if it doesn’t move the needle on success, it doesn’t matter—but what feels inefficient to you may be the most important to your child. Working together or just plain having fun and playing is invaluable but hard to measure. You may also discount wise counsel that you don’t like or deny your own need for connection and love, so you can get things done.
Combatting Discounting:
- Treat play and emotional check-ins as “appointments” on your calendar.
- Learn your child’s love language—and make space to speak it, even if it feels unnatural.
- Reflect on Jesus’ way of slowing down for people; He didn’t rush past moments of connection. He asked a lot of questions of the people around him.
- Practice validating your child’s emotions—even if you don’t understand them or agree with them.
You don’t have to parent by pretending everything is okay. You don’t have to hide your struggles or disappointment. God designed you with a beautiful capacity to connect with others and support them in achieving their own goals. But He never intended for you to parent on your own strength.
If you’re a Type 3 parent longing for deeper connection with your kids—or if you want tools to better understand and support them—I’d love to come alongside you. I offer Enneagram-informed, faith-based parent coaching rooted in attachment science that can help you grow in grace, insight, and confidence.
For more encouragement and parenting insights, sign up for my email newsletter here!
