What happens when we look at the struggles of parenting through the lens of the Enneagram—specifically, how the Enemy’s devices can derail us?
If you’ve followed along in this series, you’ll remember we’re exploring how the five detrimental tactics of the Enemy—doubt, distraction, discontentment, discouragement, and discounting—can distort your God-given design as a parent.
Today, we’re focusing on Enneagram Type 4: The Individualist.
The Beauty and Struggles of a Type 4 Parent
Type 4s are deep-feeling, creative, intuitive, and emotionally honest. You want to be seen for who you truly are, and you long to deeply connect with others. As a parent, this may make you incredibly attuned to your children’s feelings and individual personalities. You’re likely the parent who champions your child’s uniqueness and welcomes meaningful conversations.
But your strengths can also become vulnerabilities when twisted by the enemy’s schemes. At your core, you may feel like something essential is missing in you—or that you’re not quite like everyone else. This belief can seep into your parenting and affect your confidence, focus, and joy.
Let’s look at how the five tactics of the Enemy might show up for you—and how to fight back in truth and grace.
1. Doubt: “Am I enough for my child?”
You may find yourself wondering if you’re too emotional, too intense, or just not wired to parent “normally.” When your child doesn’t want deep connection or when they seem indifferent to your emotional world, you might take it personally and question your ability or their love for you. You may also doubt your value when you don’t finish what you start due to thinking you don’t have what it takes.
Combatting Doubt:
- Speak truth aloud. Recite scriptures that affirm your identity in Christ (e.g., Psalm 139:14 – “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”).
- Remember your child is different from you. Their need for space or independence doesn’t mean rejection of you.
- Ask God for insight. In moments of self-doubt, pause and pray: “God, show me what’s true in this moment.”
- Share your struggles with a trusted friend or coach. Being heard by someone who sees your heart can restore perspective.
2. Distraction: “I’m overwhelmed by my own emotions.”
As a Withdrawn type, you may retreat inward when stressed—replaying past hurts, feeling misunderstood, or zoning out from daily life. This inward focus can lead to missing your child’s present needs or interpreting their behavior through the lens of your own emotional world.
Combatting Distraction:
- Practice presence. Set small goals to engage with your child in the moment—like noticing what they’re playing or asking one curious question. Stay in the same room with them.
- Create a “feelings journal” time. Give yourself space to process emotions after you’ve shown up for your child.
- Celebrate the ordinary. Intentionally thank God for small, seemingly mundane things (like folding laundry or car rides)—they’re sacred too.
3. Discontentment: “Why does everything feel so boring or difficult?”
Comparison is a big temptation here. It might feel like other parents have it easier—or like you’re stuck in the monotony of parenting while others live more inspiring lives. You might resist daily routines or feel let down by the emotional “flatness” of certain stages of parenting. You may feel discontent when your children just want to fit in and be like everyone else or follow the most current trend.
Combatting Discontent:
- Notice what comparison costs you. Journaling or talking with someone about how comparison steals your joy can help break the cycle.
- Embrace rhythm as beauty. Try finding poetic or meaningful ways to mark ordinary routines (e.g., lighting a candle before dinner, naming one “thankful” before bed).
- Connect with other “real” parents. Look for people who share honestly, not just highlight reels, so you don’t feel like you’re the only one struggling.
- Honor your effort. Speak kindly to yourself about the consistency you are showing, even when it doesn’t feel emotionally rich.
4. Discouragement: “I don’t feel close to my child right now.”
You long for deep connection, so when there’s distance—whether from conflict, disinterest, or your child’s independence—it can feel crushing. If someone you love lies or shuts down, it may trigger deep shame or fears of abandonment.
Combatting Discouragement:
- Let emotional waves pass. Tell yourself, “This feeling won’t last forever. Connection can be rebuilt.” Repairing after hurt or misunderstandings is what makes a relationship healthy.
- Look for small signs of care. Even when they don’t say it, your child might show love in their own way—through a smile, a shared joke, or asking for help.
- Anchor in truth. God hasn’t left you alone. Reflect on verses like Isaiah 41:10 – “Do not fear, for I am with you.”
- Invest in reconnection rituals. Repeating simple gestures (like a weekly coffee date, inside jokes, or bedtime blessings) rebuilds emotional bridges.
5. Discounting: “Does this even matter?”
You might resist structure or the mundane, preferring emotionally rich moments over everyday tasks. But the enemy can use this to convince you that predictable routines—like registration deadlines or morning devotions—don’t really matter. Over time, this can rob your kids of stability, opportunity, or spiritual grounding.
Combatting Discounting:
- Reframe the boring as loving. Remind yourself that planning meals or teaching chores is a practical form of care.
- Build creative routines. Add flair to the mundane (like singing through a checklist or using colored pens on your calendar).
- Set reminders for follow-through. Use apps or visual cues so your feelings don’t dictate your follow-through.
- Prioritize spiritual rhythms. Even when it feels “dry,” keep showing up. God works through consistency.
You don’t have to give up your unique identity or shut off your feelings to provide what your kids need. In fact, your capacity to empathize and create emotional safety is a sacred gift. But God never intended for you to parent in your own strength.
If you’re a Type 4 parent longing for more authentic connection with your kids—or if you want someone to understand your struggles and help you process your feelings—I’d love to come alongside you. I offer Enneagram-informed, faith-based parent coaching rooted in attachment science that can help you grow in grace, insight, and confidence.
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