What happens when we take a closer look at parenting through the lens of the Enneagram—and ask how the Enemy tries to trip us up along the way?
If you’ve been following this series, you know we’ve been exploring how five of the Enemy’s go-to tactics—doubt, distraction, discontentment, discouragement, and discounting—can twist the very strengths God designed in each of us.
Today, we’re turning to Enneagram Type 9: The Peacemaker.
The Strengths and Struggles of a Type 9 Parent
As a Type 9 parent, you are steady, gentle, and thoughtful. You have a deep desire to create a home that feels peaceful, safe, and accepting. You value harmony, and you’re often the one who smooths tensions or calms down chaos with a kind word or quiet presence. You are naturally in tune with the feelings of others, and your kids likely feel seen, included, and valued because of you.
You have a gift for seeing things from everyone’s point of view, which makes you a compassionate listener and a fair-minded parent. You don’t demand attention—you offer it. And when your home is calm, cooperative, and full of laughter, it reflects God’s peace in a beautiful way.
But like all strengths, yours can be twisted by the Enemy into something that holds you back. Your go-with-the-flow nature may make it hard to set boundaries or address conflict. Avoiding discomfort can lead to passivity, especially when parenting gets hard or loud or overwhelming. That’s when the Enemy loves to whisper lies that shake your confidence and cloud your sense of purpose.
Let’s look at how the five tactics of the Enemy might show up in your parenting—and how you can stand firm in God’s truth.
1. Doubt: Questioning God, Yourself, or Your Role as a Parent
As a Type 9, you may wonder: Does what I say even matter? When your kids tune you out or push back, it can feel like they don’t value your voice. And because Type 9s often struggle with believing their presence matters, this can cut deep.
You might also doubt that God sees you. When prayers for guidance seem to go unanswered, it can feel like you’re drifting without direction.
How to Combat Doubt:
- Anchor yourself in truth. Isaiah 41:10 reminds us: “Do not fear, for I am with you… I will strengthen you and help you.” God is not distant. He sees your quiet faithfulness.
- Speak truth over your day. Start your morning with one sentence: “My presence matters in my children’s lives.” Saying it aloud rewires the lies that sneak in.
- Track your impact. Each night, jot down one way you showed up for your kids—big or small. This keeps your attention on what’s true rather than what’s missing.
2. Distraction: Losing Focus on What Matters Most
Your strength is seeing all sides, but that also means everything can feel equally important. When the to-do list is long or multiple people need you, it’s easy to get scattered. You may delay decisions, avoid routines, or neglect your own needs because you’re trying to keep the peace or please everyone.
How to Combat Distraction:
- Name your top priority each day. Just one. It could be a conversation with your teen, getting outside with your toddler, or praying before bedtime. Let that guide your focus.
- Create gentle structure. Simple rhythms—like a morning playlist, Sunday night family check-ins, or screen-free dinners—can help bring calm and clarity.
- Practice mindful presence. Even five minutes of deep breathing or silent prayer can reconnect you to the present moment and to God’s voice over the noise.
3. Discontentment: Feeling Frustrated with the Chaos or Differences Around You
You long for peace and comfort, so when family life feels chaotic—loud kids, messy rooms, sibling arguments—it’s deeply unsettling. You might retreat to your room, tune out, or shut down emotionally when your kids need you to take a firm stand. Or you may try to control your kids’ behavior so everything feels more manageable.
But the truth is, parenting will always include a bit of mess. That doesn’t mean something is wrong—it means you’re raising real, growing humans.
How to Combat Discontentment:
- Reframe the noise. Instead of thinking “This is too much,” try “This is part of raising energetic, creative kids.”
- Return to gratitude. Philippians 4:8 urges us to dwell on what is “true, noble… and praiseworthy.” Each night, thank God for three moments that brought you joy—even if they were noisy or imperfect.
- Use sensory grounding. When the chaos spikes, find one thing you can touch, hear, or smell to calm your nervous system. A warm cup of tea, music you love, or stepping outside for fresh air can help you stay present.
- Family values list. Write a list of the most important traits or lessons that you want your kids to learn. When things are calm, discuss these as a family and see if your kids have any to add. Talk together about what will happen when the kids violate this family value. Stick to that plan.
4. Discouragement: Feeling Worn Down or Unnoticed
Type 9s often carry hurt quietly. When your efforts go unacknowledged or your preferences are overlooked, it can confirm the painful belief that your presence doesn’t matter. If discouragement builds, you might start checking out emotionally or assume things will never change or stop trying to correct or guide your child’s behavior.
How to Combat Discouragement:
- Remember your role matters. Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest.” Keep showing up. Seeds of peace take time to grow.
- Ask for support. It’s not selfish to name what you need. Tell your spouse or a trusted friend when you feel invisible or overwhelmed. God often comforts us through others.
- Celebrate small wins. Your child apologizing on their own, a family laugh at the dinner table, a bedtime that didn’t end in tears—these are signs of fruit from your gentle guidance.
5. Discounting: Minimizing What Really Matters
You might brush aside your own needs, ideas, or frustrations—telling yourself they’re not important. But buried anger doesn’t disappear. It can show up as resentment, passive resistance, or sudden outbursts.
You may also downplay the importance of working through conflict, thinking it’s better to just “move on.” But real peace isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s the result of digging into differences of opinions and working through strong emotions to come out stronger and more connected on the other side. This is true whether it’s your relationship with your spouse, kids, or the Lord.
How to Combat Discounting:
- Name your emotions honestly. You don’t have to fix them right away—just noticing “I feel hurt” or “I feel unappreciated” is a powerful start.
- Speak up gently. Your voice matters in your family. Practice saying what you want or need, even if your heart races. Your kids will learn emotional courage from you.
- Follow Jesus’s example. He didn’t avoid hard conversations. He met people with both grace and truth. (John 1:14)
A Final Word for Type 9 Parents
You were created to reflect God’s peace, not just to keep the peace. Your steady, welcoming presence gives your children a sense of security that is often underestimated but deeply powerful. When you engage with conflict, set boundaries, and stay emotionally present—even when it’s uncomfortable—you model true, lasting peace.
Your kids don’t need perfection. They need your calm presence, your steady love, and your gentle but firm leadership.
If you’re a Type 9 parent longing to feel more confident and connected—without losing your calm or your voice—I’d love to walk alongside you. I offer Enneagram-informed, faith-based parent coaching rooted in attachment science to help you parent with purpose, compassion, and grace.
Starting in June, I’ll be sharing blog posts every other week on parenting, attachment, and the Enneagram from a faith-based perspective. Want weekly insights and encouragement sent directly to your inbox?
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