Because even the holiest parents have blind spots—and God is not done with us yet.
We’re continuing our Parenting Patterns series, where we explore how our personality, attachment history, and life experiences shape the way we show up as parents. In this mini-series, we’re focusing on Enneagram Stances—the instinctive ways we position ourselves in relationships to get our needs met.
What Are the Stances?
Think of a “Stance” like your posture in relationships—how we tend to approach others and pursue what matters most to us. You may naturally lean in, hold back, or move toward others. Your stance reflects the “social posture” of your personality.
Every Enneagram type belongs to one of three Stances:
- Assertive Stance (Types 3, 7, 8): move against the world—direct, energetic, future-focused.
- Dutiful/Compliant Stance (Types 1, 2, 6): move toward the world—responsible, cooperative, duty-focused.
- Withdrawn Stance (Types 4, 5, 9): move away from the world—introspective, reflective, calm-seeking.
We will explore three main features of each stance:
- Approach to Others (How do I get what I need?)
- Orientation to Time (Am I future-, present-, or past-focused?)
- Repressed Center (Which intelligence—thinking, feeling, or doing—do I underuse?)
None of these stances are “better” or “worse.” Each one offers strengths and blind spots, which means they show up powerfully—but also imperfectly—in our parenting. Understanding them helps us grow in self-awareness and in compassion for ourselves and our kids.
Understanding your stance can help you notice:
- Why you react the way you do when your child resists or ignores you.
- Why you tend to repeat the same parenting strategies (even when they don’t work).
- Why your spouse or co-parent may approach parenting in a completely different way.
It’s like shining a flashlight on your defaults—so you can step out of autopilot and parent with more intention.
The Assertive Stance at a Glance
Today we’re starting with the Assertive Stance (Types 3, 7, and 8). Let me say that I am not a fan of “move against” as a description of this stance! (I imagine that someone in the Dutiful or Withdrawn Stance may have come up with that phrase.) I used that description above because it clarified the differences in the three stances. Actively engaging or going after what they want is a better way to describe people in the assertive stance. They may often try to convince, persuade, or even demand.
Assertive types are future-oriented and action-driven. They see what could be and are ready to make it happen. If life had a motto for them, it might be: “Why wait when we can get moving now?”
They typically:
- Step confidently into leadership roles
- Advocate for themselves and others
- Dream big and push forward with energy
- Speak up directly about what they want
- Bring high momentum into relationships and situations
The Strengths of Assertive Parents
Assertive Stance parenting can make you a powerful and inspiring presence in your home. Kids often feel safe when they know their parent has their back and is steering the family with confidence.
When parenting flows from this stance, children often benefit from:
- Clear Authority: You don’t waffle about your parental role—you own it.
- Advocacy: You’re quick to protect or push for what your child needs.
- Vision: You’re already planning for tomorrow’s opportunities…or beyond.
- Energy: You engage with enthusiasm and bring excitement into family life.
- Encouragement: You nudge your kids to take risks and believe in themselves and dream big.
If you’re in the Assertive Stance, you may be the parent who says, “Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out—we’ve got this.” That kind of steady strength can give kids enormous confidence.
Where Assertive Parents Get Stuck: The Repressed Center
The Assertive Stance tends to repress the Feeling Center. This doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings. It means that you often neglect feelings (or maybe just certain feelings) and your emotions don’t always get the same “vote” in your decision-making as action or strategy. If emotions seem to slow you down or complicate the path forward, you may ignore or deny them.
In parenting, this can look like:
- Brushing past a child’s fear because you see the bigger picture and want them to be brave.
- Focusing on achievement and encouraging confidence but neglecting to validate vulnerability or acknowledge your child’s feelings.
- Valuing future goals more than present emotional connection.
The Challenges of Assertive Parents
Of course, every strength has a down side. Assertive parents sometimes don’t realize how strongly their energy comes across. What feels like healthy encouragement to you might feel like pressure to your child—especially if your child is naturally cautious, compliant, or quiet. Your intensity can unintentionally overwhelm your child. Parents in the Assertive Stance often struggle with compromise in relationships–it may be hard for you to negotiate with your spouse or children or to set your desires to the side for the time-being to tend to your children’s needs.
Some common struggles include:
- Pushing too hard: Your drive can leave your kids feeling unheard.
- Ignoring emotions: Because feelings are often underutilized in this stance, you may miss or dismiss emotional needs.
- Escalating power struggles: If your child pushes back, you’re not likely to give up ground.
You might find yourself saying things like:
- “I’m the parent, so I make the decisions.”
- “There’s nothing to be afraid of—just go for it.”
- “Speak up. Don’t let anyone push you around.”
None of these are wrong in themselves—but when repeated without sensitivity, they can silence a child’s unique voice.
What Might God Be Inviting You Into?
Assertive parents, your strength and determination are God-given gifts. But God also invites you into something deeper. His Spirit doesn’t just push us forward—He also whispers, “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).
Here are some invitations for you:
- Slow down. Not everything has to be accomplished today.
- Notice emotions. Pay attention to your own heart and your child’s.
- Listen in God’s presence. His Spirit leads not only with power but with gentleness.
- Soften when needed. Sometimes stepping back is the bravest leadership.
Philippians 2:3–4 reminds us: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
That includes valuing your children’s tender hearts, even when they move more slowly or differently than you do.
Reflection Questions
As you consider your parenting this week:
- How does my drive to accomplish goals affect my relationship with my child?
- When was the last time I slowed down to simply notice how my child was feeling?
- How might listening more (to God and my child) shift the way I lead?
- What are the gifts of my assertive energy—and how can I use them to serve, not to control?
Encouragement for Assertive Parents
Parents in the Assertive Stance—you are bold, resilient, and visionary. Your leadership is a stabilizing force in your home. When you lean into God’s Spirit, your strength is softened by compassion, creating the kind of balance that both empowers and nurtures your children.
So keep leading with courage—but don’t forget to pause long enough to hold space for your child’s heart. Sometimes the greatest victories in parenting aren’t about pushing forward but about slowing down, kneeling low, and saying, “I see you. I’m with you.”
And don’t worry—your child will still survive (and thrive) even if you don’t start preparing them for college at age five. 😉
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