Because even the holiest parents have blind spots—and God is not done with us yet.
Parenting Patterns Series
Parents bring their own patterns into parenting—both those wired into us through personality and those that were shaped by our story. Our Enneagram type and our own attachment style likely influence how we show up as a parent—often without us even realizing it. In this series, we’re exploring how self-awareness helps us recognize those patterns and grow as parents.
In the Parenting Patterns series, we’re looking at different aspects of the Enneagram. Three blog posts will be dedicated to each aspect of the Enneagram: Instincts, Centers of Intelligence, Stances, and Emotional Regulation Groups. Then we will explore attachment styles.
God meets us right where we are but does not want us to stay there.
He is in the business of transforming hearts and homes.
Exploring the Instincts
We all have an instinctive drive to survive. It’s wired into our nervous system and often operates behind the scenes. The Enneagram identifies three core survival instincts and one tends to dominate (or be over-used) for each of us:
- Self-Preservation – Focused on personal safety, comfort, resources, and physical well-being
- Social – Focused on belonging and functioning within a group
- One-on-One (also called Sexual) – Focused on deep connection in individual relationships
The Social Instinct in Parenting
If you’re social-instinct dominant, your attention naturally goes toward how your family functions in the larger community—whether that’s your church, school, neighborhood, extended family, or broader cultural group. You care deeply about belonging, shared values, and contributing to the common good. It matters to you that everyone feels included—especially your children.
You likely feel a strong sense of responsibility for your family’s role in the world and want your children to understand what it means to be a part of something bigger than themselves. Welcoming others, advocating for justice, and showing up for causes you care about might come naturally. You find security in knowing your family is making a positive impact and that you are an important member of your community.
In parenting, this often looks like:
- Teaching manners, empathy, teamwork, and responsibility
- Involving your family in church, sports, or service projects
- Monitoring social dynamics in your kids’ groups (friendships, inclusion, peer pressure)
- Encouraging your children to take active leadership in peer groups or organizations
- Leading with a sense of “we”—as a family unit and as members of a larger body
There is such goodness in this instinct. You likely bring a sense of connectedness and compassion into your home. You value inclusion. Your love is expressed through commitment and sacrifice to the greater good that makes your community stronger for your children. You help your child understand their place in the world.
Where This Instinct Might Get in the Way
Like any strength, this instinct can go too far. When the needs or approval of the group take priority, it can create unintended pressure. Your children may feel like they are constantly being asked to perform, behave, or show up in ways that reflect well on the family and may not take their own needs into account. They may feel they are only as valuable as their contribution or that they cannot be their true selves.
You may unintentionally:
- Pressure your child to behave or perform to protect your family’s reputation
- Say yes to too many group commitments while your home life feels scattered or depleted
- Resist slowing down for personal, one-on-one connection because of outside demands
- Avoid conflict or authentic conversations that might disrupt group harmony
- Channel your time, energy, or even finances toward causes at the expense of family needs
You may find yourself saying things like:
- “What will people think?”
- “You need to set a good example.”
- “The group needs me to do this, so you’ll have to wait.”
While these thoughts often come from love, they can unintentionally communicate to your child that their individual needs matter less than group expectations—or that their worth is tied to how well they fit in.
What Might God Be Inviting You Into?
God sees your heart for others. He honors your desire to raise a kind, connected, responsible human. But He also invites you to remember that your child doesn’t have to earn love by performing for the group—and neither do you.
Your security comes from belonging to Him.
Galatians 1:10 reminds us:
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?”
And Romans 12:2 calls us to:
“Not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
He invites you into belonging and acceptance with Him—no strings attached. He wants you and your child to be formed by Him, not by group norms or expectations.
For Reflection
Here are a few questions to help you grow in awareness:
- When do I feel most anxious about how our family is perceived?
- Do I ever put pressure on my child to act or perform for the sake of appearances?
- Have I neglected individual time with my children because of group or cause-based commitments?
- How might I celebrate my child’s uniqueness, even if it doesn’t “fit in”?
- Where might I be seeking belonging or validation from a group rather than God?
Encouragement for the Social-Instinct Parent
Your instinct to connect is beautiful. You create opportunities for your children to see themselves as part of something bigger than just “me.” You’re likely cultivating compassion, curiosity, and a sense of purpose. That’s a powerful legacy.
And as God gently nudges you, He’s not asking you to abandon your concern for others—just to make sure it doesn’t become the source of your identity or your child’s. When you trust him with your reputation and to provide what you need, you are free to be yourself. You are free to let your child be themselves and feel loved as they are.
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