Because even the holiest parents have blind spots—and God is not done with us yet.
We’re continuing our Parenting Patterns series, where we explore how our personality, attachment history, and life experiences shape the way we show up as parents. In this mini-series, we’re focusing on the Enneagram Stances—the instinctive ways we position ourselves in relationships to get our needs met. By slowing down and noticing our default “social posture,” we can lead and respond to our children with more awareness, wisdom, and purpose.
The Withdrawn Stance in a Nutshell
Let’s look at the Withdrawn Stance (Types 4, 5, and 9). Pulling back from the world when overwhelmed is a defining feature of this group. Sometimes that withdrawal is physical (slipping away for quiet), and sometimes it’s mental (retreating into thought or imagination).
People in this stance tend to be reflective, calm-seeking, and observant. They often prefer to process things internally before responding, and they usually avoid unnecessary conflict. Withdrawn types are past-oriented, often reflecting on what has been, and they may carry the stories, memories, and traditions that anchor a family across generations.
If life had a motto for them, it might be: “Let me process… I’ll get back to you.”
They typically:
- Withdraw to recharge when emotions or interactions get intense
- Need time to process before offering opinions or decisions
- Create calm, steady environments
- Avoid conflict whenever possible
- Carry a rich inner world of thoughts, insights, or imagination
- Value reflection and may keep family stories alive
The Strengths of Withdrawn Parents
Withdrawn parents bring many quiet but powerful assets into family life. What they may lack in intensity, they often make up for in steadiness, depth, and presence.
When parenting flows from this stance, children often benefit from:
- Thoughtfulness: You consider your words carefully and give wise, measured guidance.
- Calm presence: Your steady demeanor can help kids feel safe during tense situations.
- Reflection: You notice patterns and help children learn from past experiences.
- Patience: You don’t rush to judgment, allowing your child space to grow.
- Depth: You encourage creativity, imagination, and reflection in your children.
- Listening ear: You are often able to sit with a child’s story or feelings without interrupting or pushing.
Children of Withdrawn parents may feel deeply known and understood. They often grow up with the sense that their parent’s calm presence is their bedrock.
Where Withdrawn Parents Get Stuck: The Repressed Center
Each stance has a “repressed center”—a part of themselves that tends to be underused. For Withdrawn types, it’s the Doing (Gut) Center.
This doesn’t mean you never do anything. But it can mean you hesitate to act. You may spend so much time reflecting, processing, or avoiding conflict that you miss opportunities to step in, take charge, or set clear boundaries.
In parenting, this can look like:
- Taking a long time to make decisions, which may frustrate kids who want a response or make kids feel like you have forgotten them.
- Avoiding discipline or conflict until things escalate.
- Appearing disengaged, even if you care deeply.
- Retreating when emotions are intense, leaving kids unsure if you can handle their feelings.
The Challenges of Withdrawn Parents
Even the gentlest strengths come with challenges. Withdrawn parents may struggle with:
- Low energy: Parenting is demanding, and you may feel drained by constant activity or emotions.
- Conflict avoidance: Children sometimes need direct correction, and avoiding it can lead to confusion.
- Internalizing emotions: Holding feelings inside can make you seem distant.
- Slow responses: Your need for processing may feel like disinterest to your kids.
- Disengagement: Pulling away may unintentionally send the message, “You don’t matter” or “You are too much.”
You might find yourself saying things like:
- “Let me think about it.”
- “Can we just keep the peace?”
- “I need some time to myself.”
What to Watch Out For
Withdrawn parents may need to be mindful of:
- Timing: Too much delay in addressing misbehavior or emotions can leave children feeling unseen.
- Presence: Pulling away to recharge is good, but make sure your kids know what you are doing.
- Clarity: Your gentle style may need extra firmness when setting boundaries.
What Might God Be Inviting You Into?
Withdrawn parents, your reflective, calming presence is a blessing. But God may be inviting you to:
- Step in sooner: Don’t wait until you feel ready—sometimes obedience is about acting in faith.
- Stay engaged during conflict: Proverbs 27:17 reminds us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Even conflict can sharpen relationships when handled with love.
- Trust God as your strength: Isaiah 40:29 promises, “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.” God’s Spirit can energize you when your reserves feel low.
Reflection Questions
- When do I tend to withdraw in parenting, and how does that impact my children?
- How might I stay engaged even when I feel tired or overwhelmed?
- What small steps of action could I take this week to show up more fully for my kids?
- How does God invite me to trust His strength when my own feels depleted?
Encouragement for Withdrawn Parents
Parents in the Withdrawn Stance, your steady presence and reflective spirit are a gift to your children. You help create a home where peace, patience, and listening are valued. You teach your children that quiet strength matters just as much as bold action.
At the same time, remember that your kids don’t just need your calm—they need your action. Even small steps of engagement can make a big difference in their sense of safety and connection.
The good news? God doesn’t require you to manufacture endless energy. He simply asks you to show up, lean on Him, and take the next right step. Your presence—anchored in His—can help your children feel both secure and deeply loved.
And who knows—your tendency for calm reflection might be exactly what helps your child weather the chaos of growing up in today’s world. (Bonus: it also means you’ll probably never be the embarrassing parent yelling too loudly at their soccer game. Your child will thank you… eventually. 😉)
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