As we continue our Parenting Patterns series on Attachment Styles, we’re stepping into the first dimension of attachment: Approach—the way we move toward others for connection, comfort, and support.
Our attachment patterns were shaped early, through repeated interactions with caregivers, family relationships, and (for many of us) other significant people who played a major role in our life. Together, these experiences created an internal map—a hidden script we follow without even thinking. This script influences what we expect from others, how we reach out, how we accomplish tasks or learn new things, what we do with our emotions, and how we manage stress.
Becoming aware of this inner map isn’t about assigning blame or picking apart your childhood. It’s about noticing the patterns you bring into parenting—so you can decide, with God’s help, whether those patterns are helping or hindering connection with your children.
You’re not stuck in the story you have lived because God is in the business of rewriting.
Before We Dive In…
Don’t miss my FREE resource that helps you FIND YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE:
The Mapping Tool is a brief, reflection-based “quiz” that helps you notice your automatic patterns. This is not a test with official results or diagnosis, but a starting point for gentle insight.
Approach – How You Move Toward Others for Connection
Approach is the dimension of attachment that describes how comfortable you are moving toward others when you feel upset, overwhelmed, or in need of reassurance. It’s all about closeness—both emotional and physical—and how naturally you seek connection when things feel hard. It can also be described as intimacy.
Here are some ways Approach shows up:
1. Moving Toward People When You’re Upset
If Approach is strong in your life, you might:
- reach out to someone immediately when you’re stressed
- feel calmer when a loved one is nearby
- seek reassurance or proximity when emotions rise
There’s something grounding about knowing someone is close enough to listen, comfort, or simply sit with you.
2. Willingness to Be Vulnerable
You are comfortable with Approach if you find it relatively easy to:
- share your feelings
- admit when you’re struggling
- express hurt or disappointment
- talk openly about emotional needs
You may even feel safer when everything is “on the table.” Vulnerability feels like the doorway to connection.
3. Desire for Others to Comfort You
For some, receiving comfort is a primary way to feel connected and loved. Turning toward others helps regulate your emotions. For some people, sharing emotions with others seems necessary because you rely on others to soothe you. You may also deeply appreciate when someone notices your pain without you having to explain it.
4. Safety in Physical Closeness
Affection may help you feel secure—hugs, hand-holding, snuggling on the couch, or a pat on the back. These gestures communicate, “You matter to me,” and may be one of the strongest ways you give and receive love. Often affection comes easily for people who have a high level of Approach.
Reflect on Yourself
Take a moment and, with kindness, ask yourself:
- How comfortable am I with approaching others when I’m upset or overwhelmed?
- In what situations am I most likely to open up? When do I pull back?
- Do you stick close to people because being alone or doing things independently feels uncomfortable?
- Which parts of Approach feel natural to me? Which feel harder?
Remember: none of this is “good” or “bad.” It’s simply part of your relational map.
Don’t miss my FREE resource that helps you FIND YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE:
The Impact of Approach on Parenting
The Beautiful Side of Approach
Parents who naturally move toward others often bring tremendous strengths into their parenting. You may:
- notice when your child is hurting
- draw your child out emotionally
- help your child deal with their feelings
- offer unconditional warmth and welcome
- show your child empathy in way that they feel understood and valued
- provide physical affection
- reassure your child quickly and generously
- model what emotional closeness looks like
- teach your child that they don’t have to things alone
- show your child the value of intimacy and close relationships
Your child likely feels seen and understood because you show up with tenderness and presence. This teaches them that relationships are a safe place for emotions—a very important life-long skill for healthy relationships!
The Challenges of Approach
Every strength also has the flip-side struggle, and this is where awareness becomes important.
Parents who lean heavily toward Approach may:
- hover or intervene before their child truly needs help
- chase after a child who needs space to calm down
- press for emotional disclosure before the child is ready
- bring an emotional intensity that feels like too much for a child
- rely on closeness in ways that unintentionally put their own needs front and center
- become dependent on their child’s response to feel secure
Children might feel:
- overwhelmed by constant emotional engagement
- lack of personal space or privacy
- unsure how to set boundaries
- pressured to share or connect before they’re ready
- responsible for a parent’s feelings
A child who needs space may feel guilty pulling away and push their needs to the side or they may lash out to create the distance they need. And a parent who feels anxious with distance may rush in too quickly or be too close too often. This can make interactions confusing and difficult to manage in a way that everyone feels good about.
Reflect on Your Faith – How God Might Use Your Approach Strategy to Shape You
God often meets us in the very places where our attachment patterns feel strongest. If your instinct is to move toward others—quickly, intensely, and with deep emotion—God may be inviting you to notice:
1. Are you turning to Him with the same openness you long for from others?
Your desire for closeness is a beautiful, God-given longing. But sometimes you may direct that longing toward people who cannot possibly hold the weight of it. God can gently teach you to bring your full emotions to Him first—without fear of being “too much.”
2. Is your child carrying needs that are meant to be met by God or other adults?
Your child is not your emotional caretaker. As you learn to rest in God’s presence—not just your child’s responses—you create more room for your child to explore, grow, and develop confidence.
3. Could God be strengthening your patience and helping you practice restraint?
Sometimes the holiest thing you can do is pause. Give space. Wait with curiosity. Trust that God is working in your child even when you don’t immediately know what to do.
4. Is God inviting you to find security in Him so you can give your child space to become their own person?
Approach-oriented parents often care deeply and give generously. God may be shaping your tender heart to have loving, open arms that embrace and then release—so your child experiences both warmth and freedom.
Your desire for connection is so important for your child—God may simply be refining how and where you bring your gift of closeness.
Final Reflection
As you consider your own Approach tendencies, gently ask:
- When do I move toward my child because they need support?
- When do I move toward my child because I need reassurance?
- How might God be inviting me to trust Him more deeply in those moments?
Your attachment pattern is not your destiny—it’s a starting point. With God’s help, with awareness, and with practice, your default responses can grow into something even more connected and life-giving for both you and your children.
