Autonomy – How You Move on Your Own
In this series on Attachment Styles, we’re exploring the hidden patterns that shape how we show up in relationships—especially the ones that matter most, like parenting. These patterns develop early through repeated interactions with our caregivers, family members, and other influential relationships. Over time, these moments form an internal map—a script we follow without even realizing it.
This script guides:
- what we expect from others
- how we ask for help (or avoid asking altogether)
- how we approach new tasks or challenges
- what we do with our emotions
- how we manage stress
Becoming aware of this inner map isn’t about blaming anyone or dissecting your childhood. It’s about noticing the patterns you carry so you can, with God’s help, decide whether they are helping or hindering connection with your children.
You’re not stuck in the story you have lived, because God is still in the business of rewriting.
Before We Dive In…
Don’t miss my FREE resource that helps you FIND YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE:
This Mapping Tool is a short, reflection-based quiz that helps you notice your automatic patterns. It isn’t a test with official results. It’s simply a place to begin paying attention.
Autonomy – How You Move on Your Own
If Approach is the instinct to move toward others for comfort, then Autonomy is the instinct to tackle things on your own. It reflects your comfort with independence—emotionally, practically, and relationally.
Autonomy shows up in questions like:
- Do I prefer to handle things myself?
- How comfortable am I sharing what I’m feeling?
- Do I trust others to help me—or do I assume I shouldn’t?
- What feels safer: opening up or staying self-sufficient?
For many people, Autonomy feels like strength, competence, or resilience. And in many ways, it is. But like all attachment dimensions, it has two sides—one that helps us and one that can quietly complicate our relationships.
Here’s what Autonomy might look like in everyday life:
1. Moving Away From People When You’re Upset
Instead of seeking comfort, you distance yourself. You may prefer to think things through internally, take space, or “deal with it” privately. You don’t want to burden others with your feelings. Emotions feel easier to manage when you’re alone—or at least have some distance from others. Asking for help might feel unnecessary or even vulnerable.
2. Willingness to Be Independent
You trust yourself. You don’t want to depend too heavily on anyone because sometimes people let you down or hurt you if you open up too much or rely on them. You may have learned early that people aren’t always available…so you learned to be the one responsible for yourself. Often, you find things turn out better (the way you want) when you do it yourself.
3. Confidence in Handling Things Alone
You may pride yourself on figuring things out. You enjoy problem-solving, rely on your own ideas, and feel more comfortable staying in control. You have a high level of competence. You have a strong sense of agency, which means you believe that your actions can make things happen. When you think you have the power to influence your life and outcomes, it gives you confidence to take on new challenges. This can be a tremendous asset in parenting—you handle crises, organize chaos, and make things happen.
4. Safety in Being Alone
Solitude feels calming, grounding, or predictable. You may feel more like “yourself” when you’re not required to engage emotionally. It seems like there are fewer distractions, surprises, or emotions this way. You may feel most content or secure when you are by yourself. Being alone gives you the space to separate from your emotions when they are too strong.
5. Preference for practical problem-solving over emotional processing
You highly value logic and reason. You often think your way out of difficulties and reject emotions as a factor in making decisions. You might be described as task-oriented and not letting personal reactions get in the way of the job. You pride yourself on being a “matter-of-fact” type of person.
Reflect on Yourself
Take a moment to consider:
- How comfortable am I relying on others—emotionally or practically?
- In what situations do I pull away rather than lean in?
- Which parts of Autonomy feel like healthy independence?
- Which parts might be self-protection?
Awareness is the first step toward growth.
The Impact of Autonomy on Parenting
Autonomy shapes parenting in powerful ways—some helpful, some challenging.
The Beautiful Side of Autonomy
Parents who lean toward Autonomy often bring meaningful strengths:
- You model resourcefulness and determination
- You encourage independence in your children
- You stay calm during intense moments
- You rarely overreact emotionally
- You offer structure and predictability
- You teach your children how to problem-solve
Your child may feel confident trying new things because they see you do it. Children appreciate you noticing and praising their accomplishments.
The Challenging Side of Autonomy
Like all strengths, Autonomy has a shadow side. Parents who move away from emotional closeness may:
- struggle to comfort a child who needs connection
- give too much independence too early
- avoid physical affection or emotional conversations
- minimize emotions (their own or their child’s)
- become uncomfortable with their child’s vulnerability
Children may sense:
- “I shouldn’t bother Mom/Dad with my feelings.”
- “I need to handle things on my own.”
- “If I get upset, I should hide it.”
- “I don’t perform well, my parent will be disappointed in me.”
This isn’t because you don’t care. It’s because your pattern of self-reliance feels natural—and asking for help or engaging emotionally does not.
Reflect on Your Faith – How God Might Use Your Autonomy Strategy to Shape You
God often meets us in the very places where our attachment patterns feel strongest. If your instinct is to move away from others—quietly, independently, and with a strong sense of self-reliance—God may be inviting you to notice:
1. Are you relying on yourself in places where God longs to carry the weight with you?
Independence is a valuable strength, and your ability to handle things on your own may have been essential in earlier seasons of life. But sometimes the instinct to go it alone becomes a barrier to receiving care—from God and from people who love you. God may be gently nudging you to bring your needs, worries, and decisions to Him instead of assuming you must manage everything yourself.
2. Are you giving your child more independence than they are emotionally ready for?
Parents with strong autonomy often value capability, responsibility, and emotional steadiness. These are true blessings. But children—especially young ones—need closeness, comfort, and co-regulation. As you learn to rest in God’s presence rather than relying solely on your own strength, you may find it easier to move toward your child in moments when they need support but don’t yet know how to ask for it. Children actually learn to regulate their emotions sooner and develop better problem solving skills when parents help them co-regulate their emotions than when leaving them to figure it out on their own.
3. Could God be inviting you to practice vulnerability in small, intentional ways?
Vulnerability can feel uncomfortable when independence has been your safest strategy. Yet God often grows us by asking us to take small steps of openness—with Him and with others. Letting yourself be seen, asking for help, or sharing how you feel may be the very pathways God is using to deepen your trust and expand your capacity for connection.
4. Is God shaping you to experience both independence and connection as good gifts?
Autonomy-oriented parents often have a strong inner compass and a steady presence. God may be shaping that stability into something even richer—an independence that is grounded, balanced, and also willing to draw near. Reaching out to significant others, letting them support you, or sharing your feelings is a way to grow your connection skills. As you learn to depend on God more fully, you can offer your children both clarity and connection, empowering them to become confident without feeling alone. Showing your children you delight in them is a great way to build connection. Make eye contact and smile at your children when they come into the room–it goes a long way toward helping children feel connected and valued!
Your strength in independence is a blessing to your family—God may simply be refining how and when you lean on that gift so it leads to deeper connection rather than distance.
Final Reflection
As you consider your own Autonomy tendencies, gently ask yourself:
- When do I pull away because I need space—and when am I distancing myself out of habit or self-protection?
- When might my child need me to move toward them, even if it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar for me?
- How might God be inviting me to let Him into the places where I rely too heavily on myself?
If Autonomy feels like a protective shield, Jesus’ birth reminds us that God came near—not as a self-sufficient adult but as a dependent infant. Jesus Himself demonstrated that needing others is not weakness but part of our design.
And if Autonomy feels difficult for you—if you fear being alone or handling things independently—God walks with you, strengthening your courage and capacity. He offers his love and presence while giving you the power of his Spirit to do hard things.
God loves you in your patterns, and He loves you too much to let you stay stuck in them.
Your attachment style is not your forever way to interact with others, but it is what has helped you get through life. With God’s help, with awareness, and with practice, your automatic style of interacting with others and approaching problems and emotions can shift. You can grow more connected with others while also remaining comfortable doing things on your own sometimes.
Ready to Explore Your Autonomy Tendencies More Deeply?
The Attachment Mapping Tool can help you notice where you fall on the Autonomy spectrum—and how that pattern might shape your parenting.
Awareness leads to choice.
Choice leads to growth.
And growth leads to deeper connection—both with God and with your children.
