Preparing for the Holidays and Family Gatherings – Communication Tips

As someone in the Heart Triad (Enneagram Centers of Intelligence), I find connection and conversation to be a meaningful way to connect. As a type 3, I know that I can put tasks ahead of people. During the holidays, I have to be intentional to engage well with my people and not get absorbed with getting items checked off my to-do list. I am guessing this is true for many of you, not just type 3s. Here are some tips to consider for meaningful conversations and healthy  communication. We will be utilizing the wisdom of the Enneagram to give us some direction for good conversations this holiday season.

General Tips for Family Conversations

• Make eye contact while talking to someone
• Orient your body toward the person with whom you are talking to show interest in them
• Do not interrupt when someone else is speaking
• Do not give unsolicited advice
• Avoid controversial topics that are tricky, too sensitive, or divisive for your family
• Be curious about the other person–their thoughts, feelings, opinions, experiences, and what is important to them
• Ask questions about the other person that shows interest in them rather than just talking about yourself
• Summarize or paraphrase what the other person was saying to verify that you understood them correctly before adding your thoughts or questions
• Before the get-together, pray about any interactions that you anticipate will be challenging for you. Ask for grace and that God’s peace and love would sustain you through difficult moments.

Be Aware of Your Enneagram Type

Your Enneagram type is certainly impacting how you interact with family members. It helps us to be aware of what we are longing to hear or feel. It points out areas where we might have strong reactions, so we can be more prepared when we have those reactions and choose to respond rather than just be reactive and potentially create some family drama. Our Enneagram type highlights things we might avoid or fear. If we can be aware of what is going on inside of us, we can be more intentional in how we interact with others. 

If you know your Enneagram type, you probably know what parts of your personality might cause or exacerbate problems or family tensions. You may also have an idea of which parts of your Enneagram type might facilitate falling into old patterns and not standing up for yourself or backing away from interacting differently (changing those patterns). Think about your stress path. The stress path is the Enneagram type that you most likely act like when you are under pressure. You generally display negative traits of your stress path number/type. If you are aware of these stress tendencies, you may become less confused by your own reactions and be more likely to identify the stress you are feeling. When you are aware of the tension or stress you are experiencing in the moment, you have the opportunity to take charge of how you respond (regardless of how you feel).

Stress Paths

Enneagram Type -> goes to -> “Low Side” (Less Healthy Version) of This Number*

1 -> 4	Start to feel resentment that others are not doing their part. Suppressed anger or frustration may turn into depression or sadness.
2 -> 8	Shift to being defensive, trying to control others, being demanding or dominating. Not able to see your part in a situation and blame others for the problems.
3 -> 9	Loss of drive and ambition that turns into indifference, distance, or zoning out. Taking on conventional norms and merging with what others expect or with what is the path of least resistance.
4 -> 2	Become over-involved in others’ lives by doing things to get appreciation or attention from them–may even act needy. Pursue attention from others as the way to alleviate the empty or disconnected feeling.
5 -> 7	Become frenetic and disorganized and distracted. May take on new projects or tasks without much thought but then not be able to do the work because you keep thinking of all the possibilities or problems.
6 -> 3	View yourself as the only one who can imagine all the possible problems and view others as being out of touch or short-sighted. Anxiety is pushed to the side by keeping occupied with tasks while anything that could result in failure is avoided.
7 -> 1	Noticing imperfections becomes your focus as you try to fix them right away. Experiencing a lot of frustration or irritation with people who are blocking you from having fun.
8 -> 5	Pull back and notice what is going on around you when feeling threatened. Distance yourself from emotions to take in more information or knowledge that may be used to get the upper hand, as you anticipate that someone will betray you.
9 -> 6	Mind racing with all the worst-case scenarios that make you feel additional worry or panic. Become irritable, frustrated, reactive, and defensive, which may result in pulling back from others or questioning/challenging their position, decision, or plans.

Communication Patterns (a.k.a Stance) for Each Enneagram Type

The Stances give us a broad idea of how someone tries to get their needs met in relationships. Stance can help us better understand what a loved one is needing, where they are coming from, and how much interaction they prefer with others. It may help explain why some people may be almost aggressive while others may be much more passive and go off on their own when there is a house full of people with whom to socialize. Understanding other people’s orientation to time may provide some direction to the types of questions and topics of conversation they might enjoy having. Even if you don’t know your family member’s Enneagram type, you may have a good sense which Stance they are, which can guide how you interact with them or understand better why they interact the way they do.

Stance (Types)	Assertive (3, 7, 8)	Dutiful Dependent (1, 2, 6)	Withdrawn (4, 5, 9)
How they get their needs met	Moves toward or against people—actively engages others to meet own needs	Moves along with people and focuses on others’ needs	Moves away from other for fear of not getting needs met or to meet their needs themselves
	Expand their sense of self, responds to stress by getting bigger	Cooperative–dutifully serve or satisfy others’ wishes while shutting down their own wants and needs	Retreat to inner world or imagination or zone out to avoid conflict
	May not back down, may get verbally aggressive	Follow rules, procedures, and others’ expectations	Pull away or stand back when stress or conflict arises
	Try to convince or persuade others of their point of view	Go along to get along	Try to get rid of external pressure / hard for them to summon energy to engage with outside world
	Demand what they think they need	Hope to earn love and acceptance by doing what they think others want them to do	Tend to be more introverted / Keep to self more / Harder time fitting in with others
Orientation to Time	Future – constantly moving, planning, pushing forward	Present – focus on what is right in front of them	Past – reflecting on what has already happened and what was important (person, quote, event)
Focus of Time	What I am anticipating	What I am experiencing	What I am remembering
Behavioral Descriptions	Independent	Constantly concerned about what others think about them; Tough on themselves	Retreat because they are often overwhelmed by other people or afraid of not being heard
	Often steps in to take over (especially if no clear leader or weak leadership)	Focus on others, the group, or the greater good	Not inject their ideas or opinions
	Expresses strong opinions	Lots of internal “ought” and “should”	Needs time (and space) to work through their emotions and process decisions
Method of Processing Information	Kinesthetic processors, focusing on creating new things	Verbal processors–talk through the situation, reaction, or information out loud to others	Internal processors who generally create distance from others to maintain autonomy and allow for self-reflection
Repressed Center (Intelligence Center that is used least or hardest to access)	Feelings – Take in feelings but not acknowledge, recognize, or pay attention to them	Thinking – May default to rules or unproductive thinking	Doing – Slow to act Not aware of bodily sensations

Understanding What Each Type Wants and Fears

Remember, everyone and every type desires to be understood and accepted and loved. If you know family member’s Enneagram types, it may be helpful to know what each Enneagram is longing to hear and trying to avoid. It may also be good for you to keep in mind the message you long to hear and the thing(s) you want to avoid, so you are not surprised if your fear, shame, anger, or discomfort gets activated if your needs are not being met. You can do some “self-talk,” telling yourself that what you desire is good and reminding yourself that only the Lord can meet that need all the time. Ask God to fill that need as you continue to engage with relatives and friends over the holidays.

"Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path."
- Psalm 27:10-11a (NLT)

"Let the beloved of the lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one Lord loves rests between his shoulders."
- Deuteronomy 33:12 (NIV)

Lord, hold me close and let me rest in your embrace. I know you draw me toward your heart. Please give me your peace and grace and wisdom as I interact with my family over the holidays. Amen.

Desires and Fears for Each Enneagram Type**

Type	Longing	Fear
1	To be good and right; To be seen as important and helpful	Being seen as bad or making a mistake or not doing it right
2	To be loved and wanted	Being rejected or being seen as needy
3	To be loved for who they are, not what they do	Failure; Being disregarded or not valued or worthless
4	To be special and valued for their uniqueness	Being rejected or being seen as too much or not enough; Having no personal significance
5	To have their needs not be too much	Being overwhelmed by expectations of others; Being helpless or useless; Being safe in the world
6	To be safe and secure	Being without support or guidance or being alone; Being blamed; Trusting self; Being overwhelmed by too much support
7	To be worth being taken care of	Cannot count on anyone; Being trapped in emotional pain; Being deprived or limited
8	Not to be betrayed or made to look bad	Being vulnerable and exposed; Being weak or powerless; Being manipulated or harmed
9	To matter	Causing conflict or tension; Being overlooked or shut out or losing connection with others

It can be helpful to think about your extended family members as having good intentions and doing the best they can to get their needs met by using the strategies that have gotten them through life so far. They are wanting to feel safe and connected and to be respected.

That being said, if you have a family member who has been abusive in any way, there are boundaries that are necessary for safety, especially for children. More on that next week.

Questions to Ponder:

What do you desire in your relationships and conversations with others? What is it that you are afraid of or trying to avoid?

Are there any particular family members who regularly rub you the wrong way? What is it about them, how they interact with you, or how they treat you that upsets you? What can you do to mitigate your reactions this holiday season?

Do you resonate more with the Assertive, Dutiful, or Withdrawn Stance? How might your Stance impact how you talk to others or what you talk about?

To go along with these Conversational Tips, please enjoy these FREE Conversation Starters for Families PRINTABLE to use at your Thanksgiving gatherings this year.