Preparing for the Holidays and Family Gatherings – Maintaining Emotional Well-Being

Hello, Friends! We are now in the Advent and Christmas season and I am enjoying listening to Christmas music. As we look forward to the celebration of the birth of Christ, people will be gathering for parties and celebrations over the coming weeks. We are going to continue our focus on intentionally having positive family interactions during the holidays. 

In previous weeks, we have explored old family patterns and communication patterns. This week, we are looking at ways to maintain your emotional well-being during all of the social events of the season, particularly when encountering others with whom there have been challenging interactions in the past.

How To Attend To Your Emotional Well-Being:

Set Realistic Expectations

Think about what you desire from various family members or what you are hoping for at family gatherings. As you come up with answers, honestly assess if those things are realistic. A really good desire does not necessarily mean that it can happen. 

For example, you may want your father to compliment you or notice things you have accomplished. Since you were little, he has always been critical and notices what did not go well. You are just looking for that “Atta girl!” or “Atta boy!” from your dad. That is a good desire. 

Everyone wants to be noticed and encouraged by their parents. Receiving a pat on the back is motivating. The Bible tells us to “encourage and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11) because it is a good and needed thing. But, it may not be something that your father is able to do, for whatever reason. If it is not a realistic expectation, adjust your mindset about your interactions with your father so you are able to have a positive conversation with him.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Recognize and process your feelings that you have as you anticipate family events. Talk to a trusted friend or journal or talk to God about your feelings and concerns. Having conversation or writing down your thoughts can help provide clarity and give you space to feel your emotions.

Consider your needs and how you might respond when/if those needs are not met. Label your feelings internally as they happen during family interactions and write them down later when you have time to yourself. 

Take time to process your emotions after stressful family events or encounters. Do not minimize your feelings or suppress or deny them–what you are feeling is important! Deal with your feelings. (If you need some ideas on how or why to do that, check out my blogs #5 through #10 on the Understanding Emotions series or see the books listed in the resource section under emotions.)

Attend to Your Spiritual Needs

Spending time with the Lord is the best way to be replenished and cherished. Make some time to be alone with God each day so you can hear Him share His love for you. Invite Him to show you his care. Do you need a reminder during this Advent season that you are loved?

My friend, God says to you:

I am full of compassion and comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3) and you are My beloved child. 
I go before you. I will be with you. I will never leave you (Deuteronomy 31:8). 
I have plans to make you flourish that will give you hope (Jeremiah 29:11). 
In fact, I love you so much that I sent my precious son, Jesus, to die for your mistakes, short-comings, and hurts (John 3:16) so you can trust me and come to Me every day!
I want to spend time just hanging out with you.

Self-Care to Maintain Balance (notice each category is an Enneagram Center of Intelligence)

Body:

Sleep – Just ¾ of an hour of additional sleep can help you feel more grateful, feel more satisfied with life, and find more purpose in your life, according to a Baylor University study recently published.* 

Exercise – moving your body regularly is good for your health but can also elevate your mood as endorphins (feel-good hormones in your body) are activated. Physical activity can also lower your stress levels and clear your mind.

Healthy Eating – It is easy during the holidays to over-indulge and have lots of sweets. Just because it tastes good or is convenient, does not mean that it will help you feel better in the long run. (Bummer, right?!) You want to splurge over the holidays but not over-do it.

Mind:

Plan, Prepare, and Think Through – Considering your interactions, needs, food, activities, etc. is a good idea but ruminating (thinking about it constantly and not being able to let it go) is not productive. Advanced planning can allow you to have what you need and to do your part. It can also keep you from blindly walking into potentially sensitive or toxic situations or conversations that you may need to develop a plan to manage it well. It is important to find a good balance of being prepared and not obsessing.

For example, if you are getting together with family or friends that do not have children of similar ages to your children, you may want to pack some toys, games, and activities that are age-appropriate for your kids.

Heart:

We all long to feel valued and accepted. Make sure you are spending time with the important people in your life, especially if holiday celebrations are stressful or if there is tension between people that will be gathered. If you do not feel loved and cared for by people at your family events, schedule time to hang out with friends who support you. Attend to your emotions and your need for connection by spending time with people who affirm you and with whom you enjoy spending time.

Relationships are important for well-being but so is spending some time alone. You need some space to sort through your thoughts and pay attention to your emotions. If you are not in the withdrawing stance (types 4, 5, and 9), taking time away from others may not be as natural but it is crucial this time of year for dutiful and assertive types, too.

Set Boundaries 

It is healthy to set parameters around your time (such as how long you stay at a party), activities you are willing to do (or not), topics you do not want to discuss, or things you don’t want to be around. 

For example, you may set boundaries around not being subject to non-obvious physical or emotional harm from others, such as smoking around children (or adults who have asked to not have others smoke around them), playful aggression or unwanted physical contact in sports, loud music or TV,  cursing and bad language, food that contains allergens for you/your family, or excessive drinking that makes you uncomfortable. 

When you set this limit, you need to be prepared to leave the room or even leave the gathering altogether if those violating your boundaries refuse to respect your limits. That person, or others in your family, may not see those things as a problem when you ask them not to do those harmful or unpleasant or inconsiderate things. They may think you are being too particular or nit-picky or that they have a right to behave the way they prefer.

(Boundaries related to children and parenting will be next week’s topic…stay tuned.)

Keep Kids Entertained/Occupied

When you are at holiday celebrations, your kids may need more support from you than when they are playing at home. Depending on the age of your kids, they may struggle to share the toys with other children. They may be hungry because they don’t like the fancy or traditional holiday foods (i.e. not their normal food at home). They may grab lots of sweets off the goody tray when you are not looking and may have a lot more sugar in their system than usual. They may be overwhelmed by the number of people or particular people at the get-together. Parents may also be less engaged with their children because they are trying to connect with other adults. Less engagement and less supervision may lead to your child feeling more alone  or may lead to them doing things that get them in trouble because they are not getting redirected by you or your spouse. Keep an eye on your children and connect with them periodically, especially if they are younger. As mentioned above, you may want to bring some toys or activities for them to keep them happy and/or busy.

Gift-Giving

There are awkward gift-giving situations that can surface during the Christmas season. Gift-giving issues that may pop up during Christmas is over-spending or over-abundance of gifts from one family member, unequal gifts or playing favorites with one child or a particular family when several families are together, or re-gifting presents that were originally given by someone in attendance. It is important to remind children ahead of time that they need to thank each gift-giver, regardless or whether they like the gift. Having a talk before Christmas parties about being grateful for what they receive may be helpful to set the appropriate tone.

Attitude

It may be helpful to determine the attitude you want to maintain during family time. You may choose to be kind and respectful or to stand your ground and set clear boundaries or to be passive and avoid conflict. Knowing the stance you want to have throughout your festivities can help you be consistent and intentional in how you interact with family or other guests at Christmas get-togethers.

This may be a good time to remind you:

Secure attachment with children starts with a secure parent.

The more comfortable and confident you are at holiday gatherings, the more your kids will be able to relax and enjoy the fun. If you are able to maintain your attentiveness and attunement and be fully present, they are more likely to feel safe and secure.

Questions to ponder:

What do you want or need to do to be intentional about nurturing your well-being during the holidays?

How do you want to “show up” at Christmas festivities?

How can you support your children and meet their needs while at parties or large gatherings?

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