Preparing for the Holidays and Family Gatherings – Maintaining Your Parenting Practices

Parenting In Front of Others

Not only are you navigating old family patterns and pressures, you also have to parent your children at family gatherings. Your children may need support or direction from you while you are in a conversation with your favorite aunt. Then, you have to decide whether to continue talking to her or abruptly end the conversation to attend to your children.

Even more challenging than being interrupted is when your parenting is on display for extended family members to observe…and evaluate. They may even feel empowered to offer unsolicited advice or provide commentary about your parenting approach or your children’s behavior. This can be such a challenging situation to navigate!! People have some very interesting ideas about what is good or appropriate parenting that may not be in-line with your approach (or child development research). 

Holding Firm In Your Parenting Posture

How do you intend to respond to extended family members if they say something negative about your parenting strategy? It may be helpful to decide ahead of time whether you would entertain their ideas and listen to what they have to say or whether you set a firm boundary by stating that you are not open to discussing your parenting style. You likely have good reasons for parenting the way you do. Do you want to explain your perspective and parenting decision-making to family members as a way to respect them, connect with them, or educate them? It may depend on who that person is and what your relationship is like with them or how much you trust them or value their opinion. 

Be prepared with how to respond if a family member steps in to parent your children in a way you do not agree with or that contradicts with what you just told your child. It is appropriate to step in and set a boundary if family members are undermining your parenting.

Rule of thumb:

Do not parent a child that is not yours unless you get permission from their parents or unless there is a safety concern.

Some families may regularly parent any children at family gatherings and if this is acceptable to everyone, go raise that village together! Often in my clinical practice, parents have been working hard to develop their parenting approach to meet their children’s needs. They may not use traditional (a.k.a “Old School”) parenting methods or typical child-rearing strategies for good reasons. Children’s mental health needs or trauma history may impact those decisions. Make sure that you are kind and considerate to other parents who may approach children’s behaviors differently.

Oftentimes, parents may choose to parent differently than they were parented so they do not pass on unhealthy generational patterns. When you are intentionally correcting or trying to heal these patterns from your own family, you may experience a lot of push-back from your family-of-origin during the holidays because they are offended that you are “rejecting” their way of parenting or interacting. In these situations, it is important for you to maintain your parenting approach and set boundaries with family members who try to interfere or offer unhelpful advice. 

Protecting Our Children’s Dignity During Hard Moments

As parents, it is our responsibility and job to protect our children from family members who may say hurtful things about our children or their behavior. If one of our kids has a melt-down or becomes dysregulated, it is a good idea to try to move your child to somewhere private. It can be very shame-inducing for a child to lose it in front of their whole extended family. Comments made by others regarding your child or child’s behavior can also elicit shame and that child does not need more negative feedback from others when they are already struggling and overwhelmed.

Be Careful What You Say About Others

In the same vein, do not say negative things about other family members to your children or in front of your children. Besides not setting a good example of loving others, you never know when a child will repeat what they have heard! Remember that how you talk to your family members is modeling communication skills to your children about how to show respect for others.

Grandparents Being Better Than They Were As Parents

Another parenting dynamic that can surface during the holidays is watching your parents interact differently with your children than they did with you as a child. As our own parents continue to grow and reflect or when they have more bandwidth (without children living at home), they may parent in a way that is more loving and nurturing and attuned than what we experienced from them. Watching this interaction can bring up a bunch of feelings. You may feel a little jealous. You may be thankful that they are developing a more healthy connection with your children than they did with you. It may make you sad because you realize what you did not get, but desperately wanted, as a child. 

Preserve Your Heart and Your Children’s Hearts

Christmas can be such a wonderful, joyous time of year. It can also be stressful and disappointing. It is important to find your joy in Jesus’ coming to earth and preparing your heart for that truth. Holiday traditions and practices can leave us feeling incomplete. It is important to give other people grace, but also important to protect your heart and your children’s hearts from expected negative influences. Proverbs 4:23 warns against careless exposure to things that harm our source of joy and connection:

Above all else, guard your heart, 
for everything you do flows from it” (NIV).

Setting Appropriate Boundaries

• If there has been physical or sexual abuse in your family, it is important for you to protect your children during holiday get-togethers. Children should never be alone with a known or suspected sexual perpetrator.
• Your children need you to be consistent with your rules and your level of protection and supervision. Especially keep an eye and an ear out for people who have not respected your boundaries or preferences in the past, who have hurt you repeatedly (emotionally or physically), who ignore rules or limits that you set for your children, or who undermine your parental authority. You want to make sure that others are not mistreating your children or undermining your authority. You will need to step in to protect your child if you notice any of these things happening. This is a moment that you will need to take charge for the benefit of your children.
• You may need to provide some structure or guide your children to play with certain people or within your sight and ear-shot if there are people who are not good examples for your children at your holiday celebrations. Try to minimize exposure to people who talk or behave in ways that you do not want your children to witness. This may include extended family members who tell crude jokes, use obscene language, talk badly about others behind their back, or are abusing alcohol or other substances.

Questions to ponder:

What particular parenting struggles have you encountered at family gatherings for which you want to develop a game plan ahead of time? Who else can support you in those situations/moments?

What kind of experience do you want your children to have at Christmas parties or get-togethers? What do you need to do as a parent to ensure that they have positive interactions with others or to support them if there are challenging situations?

To help you engage with family and friends over Christmas, grab my holiday freebie below.