Preparing for the Holidays – Engaging With Your Teen

To help you engage with family and friends over Christmas, grab my holiday freebie below. 

While it may seem like teenagers are only interested in social media, their friends, or electronic devices, parents continue to be one of the most important influences in the lives of teens.

Take advantage of them having extended time off from school over Christmas break. Talk to them and play with them. Teenagers need to know that we love them, make time for them, and encourage them!

There may be times when your teen has been unkind toward you. It can be difficult to be kind in response but they need us to remain kind and caring, even when their prickles come out. 

May the Lord grant us loving words toward our teens, even when they try to push us away or are disrespectful. As was the case with Job’s friends, who tried to blame Job for the suffering he endured, Job was upset with their lack of support and indicated his desire to console his friends if they faced adversity. 

Consider Job’s wisdom and kindness toward people he cared about that did not treat him well:

"I could put together a terrific tirade and really let you have it. But I’d never do that. I’d console and comfort, make things better, not worse!” - Job 16:4-5 (The Message*)

May the same be true of our attitude toward our teens!

Tips for Talking to Teens

Talking to your teen is not exactly the same as talking to other adults. Often teens appear uninterested or give short answers to questions that seem to say, “I’m bored talking to you.” It can be discouraging to try to connect verbally with your teen…BUT so worth it when you can get them to engage!

💬 Decide if you have a specific topic to discuss or if you just want to chat

💬 Put away YOUR phone and any other distractions

💬 Make eye contact 

💬 Ask open-ended questions rather than a question that can be answered with yes or no or one-word answers (who, what, where, when, why questions)

💬 Bring up topics of interest to them or things that they are excited about

💬 Get to know them, don’t assume you know everything about them

💬 Be curious about their life and their inner world (thoughts, feelings)

💬 Ask silly or thought-provoking or off-the-wall questions that grab their attention, not just “How was your day?” that is ordinary and expected

💬 Smile at them or even better, laugh with them

💬 Offer a snack while you are talking (teens are often hungry and this can feel nurturing)

💬 Don’t give up if they give brief responses–keep asking questions and showing interest

💬 Share a story about yourself that shows vulnerability or imperfection (that is appropriate)

💬 Take a posture of wanting to learn about your teen, rather than as someone with all the answers or someone who is critical or judgemental

💬 Don’t give advice unless your teen asks for it

💬 Ask about their feelings–they may not answer but invite their emotions

If you are having trouble connecting with your teens verbally, you can also build your relationship with them by doing things with them. Sometimes doing activities together seem less threatening than talking.

Ways to Play with Teens

Participating in mutual activities with teens looks different than playing house or Hot Wheels with a 5-year-old, but often they need just as much of your focused attention as younger kids. While you may not push them on the swing or help them build a fort out of couch cushions and blankets, spending time with your teens is important.

Remember, the more play elements involved, the more it feels like fun:

Try to come up with something that involves imagination or creativity,

that your teen enjoys doing for the sake of doing it (not the result),

that engages them physically or mentally, and

where they can call the shots or make decisions about the activity (teen-led).

If they come up with the idea of what to do, that is even better.

It is okay (and probably even a good idea) if it is something that you are not good at doing, so you are not tempted to be the expert or to get too competitive.

Suggestions to get you thinking about how to play with your teen

Questions to ponder:

What is the hardest thing about having a conversation with your teen? Is that something you can impact? What would happen if you consistently try to talk to your teen, regardless of their response?

What ways did your parents or other adults connect with you as a teen that you found meaningful or important?

Come up with several activities that you think your teen would enjoy doing with you and/or the family over the Christmas break, so when there is down time, you have some fun suggestions for time together.

Merry Christmas! 

To help you engage with your teen and other family members during your Christmas celebrations, grab my holiday freebie below.