Have you ever had a moment when you were trying to get out the door and your child just wouldn’t cooperate?
Let’s say it’s raining and you want to allow a few extra minutes to drive to a doctor’s appointment. Your 4-year-old won’t put on her rain boots. You ask her several times. She walks into the kitchen. When you call her again you raise your voice and firmly instruct her to put on her boots. She says, “No! I don’t want to wear them” and puts on her brand-new white tennis shoes. You tell her to sit on the bottom stair and put her boots on. She sits and stares at you. You tell her she needs to put on her boots because it is raining and she will ruin her new shoes in the rain. She fusses. You tell her she will not get to play with her neighbor friend later if she does not listen. You tell her to hurry up. She starts crying. You fight the urge to roll your eyes. Instead, you sigh loudly and make a comment about how you don’t understand why she can’t just cooperate and put on her rain boots. She keeps crying. When your complaining/cajoling doesn’t work, you say something vaguely threatening, such as “If you don’t put those boots on in the next minute, I am going to carry you to the car in your socks.” She has backed as far from you as she can and still be on the steps. Her head is down and she says mutters, “I don’t care if you carry me out but I’m not putting on those boots!”
Let’s stop here. This situation could continue to escalate. I think many parents can relate with those kinds of moments.
Under pressure.
Resistant child.
Stressed or tired parent.
Tension and tears.
Neither of you feel good about your interaction.
What’s the alternative when your children push back or get upset?
I would like to suggest something that might sound counterintuitive. Stick with me for a minute. If you help your child regulate her feelings, she is likely to cooperate much more quickly. Seriously, often if we slow down enough and pay attention to what is going on with our child, they feel understood and then have much more capacity to cooperate because their emotions are soothed. And they feel connected to us. (Double bonus!)
Rewind raining morning and pediatrician appointment…Your 4-year-old won’t put on her rain boots. You ask her several times. She walks into the kitchen. When you call her again you raise your voice and firmly instruct her to put on her boots. She says, “No! I don’t want to wear them” and puts on her brand-new white tennis shoes. You ask her to sit on the bottom stair. You carry the boots over and set them down. You sit down next to your daughter. You look into her tear-brimmed eyes. Calmly, you say, “You don’t want to put your rain boots on. You love these boots. You wore them all the time last spring. What’s going on?” She looks at you and tells you they hurt her toes. You realize why she was resisting and say, “Oh, honey, I am sorry they are too small. I guess it has been a few months since you wore them and you are growing fast. I understand that you don’t want your feet to hurt. How about you go get your flip flops because they are better in the rain than your new shoes?” She brightens up, runs to the closet, and puts on her flip flops. She heads to the door.
I wish I could say that I was always the parent in the second scenario but that would not be true. I have had my moments of trying to coerce cooperation that didn’t go well. So often we are focused on what needs to be done or where we need to be that we miss our children’s needs or don’t take the time to understand. Other times, we are preoccupied by grown-up problems that use up all of our emotional bandwidth. And sometimes, we just do not recognize that our children are needing help with their feelings.
Here are some ways you can help your children regulate their emotions:
I mentioned how we, as adults, need to take SPACE for our feelings (in blog #5). Let’s use the same acronym for helping our children co-regulate their feelings. By the way, “emotional co-regulation” is when parents help children soothe their emotions together. It is the best way to teach children to do this on their own more often as they get older.
S – Slow down. Put your own stuff aside. Take time to consider what emotions your child is feeling.
P – Pay attention to your child’s facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and what they are saying. Also pay attention to your own internal reactions and try to place those on the back burner for now.
A – Acknowledge the feeling or feelings your child is having. Click here for Free Feeling Circle to help label your child’s emotions.
C – Consider the context or situation that caused your child’s feeling(s). What might be contributing to the upset they are feeling? Does my child “get big” or act out when s/he has strong feelings (externalize) or does my child withdraw/hide when big feelings surface (internalize)?
E – Engage with your child and talk about what s/he might be feeling and why. Reflect your child’s feelings to give them language for what they are experiencing (even if they are 15 years old!).
Engage with your support system or journal to process any strong feelings you had that made this process difficult for you.
Engage with the Lord to ask for discernment and guidance in parenting and in co-regulating your child’s emotions and to examine your reactions.
Grab this Guide for a more detailed description of How to Help Your Children Regulate Emotions.
Questions to ponder:
How do you feel and what reactions do you have when your child is angry? Sad? Afraid? Ashamed?
Which emotion is the hardest for you to help your child regulate?
Consider why that emotion is hard for you. What was your experience with that emotion as a child? How did your parents respond to that emotion?
